farewell, 2009

This has been one heck of a year, but in the end, it played itself out pretty well. While it seems like so much of my life has changed over the last three hundred sixty five days, not much has except one thing: me. I'm almost positive that this is my biggest year of change, at least mentally anyway. In this year, I went from a mentally unstable emotional wreck to a very strong, independent young woman with a strong head on her shoulders. I can honestly say that I've matured so much over the past year. Unlike the beginning of the year, I can finally say I'm proud of who I've become this year. I became close to some amazing people this year, and I hope to become even closer with them, as well as more amazing people in the upcoming year. I also got a shot at a new family this year, and got to start my life over in so many aspects, just with a simple mindset change.

Adios, 2009. You've been pretty good to me, and I'm hoping 2010 is even better.

resolutions!

I have no idea if I'll be able to come on New Year's Eve so I guess I'll just post these now! :]

- Have 365 blog posts for the year
- Stick to playing guitar
- Learn 10 songs from start to finish
- Keep my room clean
- Don't hold back
- Be nicer to people
- BE MYSELF!
- Eat healthier
- Stop drinking soda
- Look for a job
- Read fifty books
- EXERCISE
- Try my hardest in school (even though I already have been)
- Write down my homework
- Don't bite my nails
- Develop a more efficient morning/evening routine
- STOP PROCRASTINATING
- Stop wasting so much money on food
- Be able to do a split
- Get into NHS
- Stop cursing so much
- Become closer to the good people in my life
- Crack a 95 overall unweighted
That's all I can think of for now.

have a little faith;

I've been thinking a lot about religion lately. I'm trying to kind of figure out where I stand when it comes to all that jazz. I still have not much of a clue though. I feel like I'm gaining a stronger belief in God, but other than that I don't know what else I believe. I don't really think I'd classify my beliefs as Catholic much even though that's what I was raised to be. So far I think my beliefs actually match the most close with Jewish strangely enough. Maybe I just don't like organized religion though. I'm all for a nice strong relationship with God, but I think classifying myself into a set of religious beliefs takes away the value of the relationship.
For the longest time I'd gone back and forth between believing and feeling completely Atheist, but after I subconsciously found myself "talking" to God without even realizing it, I realized that I must truly believe.

I just need everything to be okay right now.



"If you wait to do everything until you’re sure it’s right, you’ll probably never do much of anything."

just believe in me, and i will be there;

The people in our lives obviously leave some sort of impact on us. Whether it be a small little lesson, or a huge inspirational story type moral, an impact is there. Sometimes people don't even know at all, though, the way they've changed our lives. I can't help but sit back sometimes and wonder whose lives I've affected. I wonder whose stories I've been a part of, and happened to somehow leave an unforgettable impact on.

My thought process is a huge cluster right now. I need to start reading again. A walk in the shoes of somebody else never, ever fails to stir up my thoughts into something that makes sense. I'm going to start on my list of books I'm going to read in 2010. Since I'm aiming for 50, I'm surely going to need a list to keep track and whatnot.

Things will work out. They've got to. Please, God. I need everything to be okay now more than ever.

2009

I'm doing this a few days early but I don't care.

Best thing that happened:
I got better.
Worst thing that happened:
I don't really consider anything to be the "worst" thing that happened..but I guess my bad trip?
An important person you met:
I didn't really meet anybody important.
Somebody you got closer to:
Thomas, Jimmy, Allie.
Somebody you lost contact with:
A lot of people. :/
A valuable experience you had (other than best/worst thing):
I guess the "road to recovery".
Something you learned about yourself:
I'm a really complicated person.
A lesson learned about life:
Everything happens for a reason.
Your 2009 theme song:
Pink Floyd- Time
Something you will never forget (other than mentioned above):
Awareness Weekend 13.
Something that you learned (can be random):
Everybody has a story.
Something unexpected that happened:
I found some self esteem, and made it over a year in a relationship.
If you had a new years resolution for 2009,
-what was it?
I had a few silly ones.
-did you fulfill it?
Not at all, haha. :X
Something you wish you had done:
Nothing really.
Something you wish you hadn't done:
Thrown away over half of my sophomore year.
An achievement:
One year no cuts.
General remarks:
I learned more this year than I ever thought I would.

so this is christmas;

It's kind of weird to think that there's only a little over forty minutes of Christmas left. At least it finally feels like the holiday to me, though.
Even though this is the year I got the least, in a way I almost feel like I got the most. I got a bunch of small things but they're all things I want. I've learned its not about the number of gifts I get or how much they cost, it's about the meaning behind them. I'm happy with all of the things I got. I love all the things Thomas and his grandmother got me. I was running low on my artsy stuff and they just added some nice stuff to my collection, and the bracelet/earrings she made me are absolutely beautiful. I love the jewelery box because I've been needing one for a while, and plus it's absolutely beautiful. I could sit here and say why I love everything that I got, but I think I'll refrain from that for now. Long story short: I LOVE CHRISTMAS.

I've made my list of resolutions, but I think I'm gonna wait til New Years Eve to officialize them in case I want to add to them over the next six days.

My room looks pretty good right now. Over the next week I wanna maybe decorate it a bit and make it all pretty. I'll take pictures. :]


Everything is getting so much better between us. It's like in a way the lack of as much talking lately made us closer, especially now that when we actually do talk we have stuff to discuss. He's been so good to me the past week or so and I love it.



"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."

- Oscar Wilde

HOLY CRAP.

It's Christmas!

let's hope it's a good one;

Ah, Christmas is in three days! I still have to get Thomas' gift(s) tomorrow and make a few more bracelets. I also have to locate a religious sun catcher.

Even though time has been racing by, it feels like the second quarter has been CRAWLING by. Luckily, I think I'm doing better than I thought, though. As far as I know I'm pretty much kicking ass this year, so yay me.

I will find some interesting thoughts.

christmas wrapping;

My love for Sundays is probably a bit absurd to most. Boy do I love them, though. I love the feeling of relaxation that comes with them for me. Sundays just have this warm and fuzzy type of feeling. The only time I dislike Sundays is when I don't have my Sunday relaxation time. Yeah, I'm a freak.

I forgot how much I enjoy Christmas decorating. I haven't decorated a tree in God knows how long. Even though Kelly's tree is only like four feet, I still had fun decorating it with her.
I had always wanted an older sister, but I knew it was physically impossible for my mom to push out a daughter that was older than I was. This was really the one thing I always wanted. Maybe I take it for granted. Maybe I should try and be closer with her. Maybe it's something to think about?

Christmas is coming a bit too fast. I still need to get my presents for everyone. I need to call Lynn tomorrow. Hopefully she's free either Tuesday or Wednesday, otherwise after school I'll have to take the bus to the mall for Thomas' gift(s).

this dream we had;

Like the white, glistening snow blanket laid perfectly on the ground. No blemishes, no imprints, nothing. Screaming "vacancy" at first glance with no signs of life.

My mind is freakishly empty, my heart freakishly speechless.

It's weird when something come back and sends a chill down your spine.

and he likes to sing along;

I forgot how much of a hassle writing these on internet explorer is. I'm far too accustomed to firefox now. I don't like the way this doesn't spell check me as I type, either.

I'm excited to be going to the mall today, even though I only have twenty dollars. I need to get out. I need to see and feel this, let myself embrace the Christmas spirit. I need to see others happy. I need him.

The pretty nail method has been proven to work. When you spent a half hour on your nails, you just do not bite them. I haven't bitten them since Tuesday now. I can already feel the urges to bite them decreasing slowly. :]

I've got to say, I'm proud of myself. I'm getting so much better at self distraction. Maybe I'm not as dependent as I thought, anymore. Maybe I don't actually need somebody constantly in order to be okay. I've become more and more okay recently, all by myself.

For once I'm going to try taking my own advice. I'm going to let things play themselves out. I'm going to have some faith and trust in the fact that everything will be okay. That doesn't mean that in the back of my head I won't be a little nervous or upset, but I have to have faith. I at least have to try it. Maybe things are really happening for a reason. Maybe it's all just a lesson.

I hate when something you see somehow reminds you of a dream you had the night before that you forgot about. Looking down at my ladybug made me remember that you visited me last night again. The theme of the dream is always me promising to visit you more this time. This is obviously telling me something. I'm sorry.



"Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. "
– Robert Louis Stevenson

what i've got;

I think I'm just going to tidy up a bit then jam out to Christmas songs and color. Maybe this is all just a test. A test to see how strong I am.

panic prone

I need somebody. I need somebody badly. But I have nobody. I hope this can distract me, really. This isn't fair. Why does this have to happen to me? Especially now. I'm scared. I wish the fact that I only have twenty dollars to my name to Christmas shop with was the worst thing going on right now. I wish I wasn't worried as hell. It's just not fair, it's really not. Everything I've ever worried about seems so petty and stupid right now. It's not fair. This is like the worst fucking Christmas present I could ever get. This can't happen God, please. Please.

frosty the snowman

I can't believe Christmas is in a week, holy cow. The holiday season has FLOWN by. I've decided to dedicate this next week to exciting myself for Christmas. Once I go shopping tomorrow/Sunday and Monday, I'll have stuff to wrap. I'm going to jam to Christmas songs tonight while coloring in a jumbo Santa coloring book and drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows. Yeah, I'm happy. :]

I'm just as tired of fighting about this as you are. I just don't understand. Up until about, Summer or so, you NEVER said anything about me going out, ever. I don't know what happened this Summer that made you think I'm wrapped around your finger or something and all of a sudden you can just tell me no. It's not even like I go out all the time. I don't even go out once a month anymore, and ideally I'd like to go out more often than that but don't either to avoid fights or because something comes up and you ask me to drop my plans for you. You have to understand that you are the most important thing in my life, yes, but not the only thing. The way that I haven't hung out with my best friend in almost three months is ridiculous, and it's totally unfair to her. I feel like I'm back in middle school when I have to say, "Oh btw, I know this is totally inconvenient but I have to be home by nine, even though you know damn well my curfew is midnight." I don't wanna sit there when I'm thirty and regret being a hermit in my teenage years.

they were sitting in the s trawberry swing

Fortunately my nerves have calmed down...for now. I think my solo will go well tonight, as long as I sing it the way I've practiced it and don't let my nerves interfere. I'll have to be like the little engine that could and just face this fear. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

The past week or so I feel as if I've been moving along on the self discovery road. I've been pretty content in my own skin, which is quite a rarity for me. I like this though. Everything is so much better when you feel good about yourself, it really is.



Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

Now the sky could be blue
Could be grey
Without you I'm just miles away

overexaggeration

VENTVENTVENT-
with lots of exaggeration, probably.

My head is going to explode. I don't even know where this came from. My day was going great, or so it seemed. I'm tired of the fights. I'm becoming emotionally exhausted. I'm tired of holding back, and I'm tired of getting attacked when I don't hold back. I'm tired of being wrong. I'm tired of being right. I'm just tired.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm not as smart as everyone thinks. I don't know why I'm so upset over a test that counts for nothing. I was really okay with it, but now I'm like morbidly depressed about it. I will bawl my eyes out if I only get a 1590 on the SAT in January.

I'm still stressed about Christmas. I'm stressed about everything, so out of nowhere.

fates colliding

Imagine yourself laying flat on your back on the moist grass of the morning. The sun is rising above the horizon. The clouds, so white and puffy, are happily floating throughout the sky, forming this picture perfect image along with the sunrise. Each cloud has its own unique shape, giving off a completely different vibe than the cloud right next to it. My thoughts are puffy white clouds.


Life seems pretty peachy right now. I'm pretty much organized right now, and that makes everything flow so much more smoothly. My room is still clean. My books are mostly organized. Each day that I write, my thoughts are organized. I've got everything done when I need it done. Organization truly is key, at least for me.

As much as I feel like I've been trying to avoid Dr. B for the past two and a half months, I think I'm going to just give that up and give her a Christmas card, it's not like she doesn't deserve one. Even though she may not seem a compatible form of help for me right now doesn't change the fact that she once was. The least I could do is acknowledge her existence on my own time once in a while.

I'm in a pretty good place right now. Note to things: please, please don't change. Not right now.



The space between the tears we cry, is the laugh that keeps us coming back for more.
- Dave Matthews Band

I like mobile blog but I wish my phone didn't chop texts cause it turns into multiple posts. :(

you and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals;

For some reason I'm kind of excited. I don't even know why. I just have this sudden ecstatic feeling for something that feels like the near future. I just don't know what it is.

I finished my Christmas cards :]. I've made some for a few people that I really didn't plan to, but it's the holiday season and I want to be nice. I don't want some people to feel left out or upset or mad or whatever at me.

I've decided I'm going to have a good day tomorrow. I don't care what it takes or how many things I have to just push aside. I couldn't care less if the sky fell down on me and broke every bone in my body, nothing will crush my day tomorrow. It'll be infinite.

NAUSEOUS.

I hate being a female sometimes. I wish I didn't have to leave school today, but I honest to God was ready to puke on my desk, and it was only second period. Now that I'm up on medication, though, I'm at least going to get some nice school work done and carry on with my day.

It's amazing how much of a difference a clean room makes in my life. Organization really is key for me, I haven't been so happy in so long and it's weird how the main reason is that I'm feeling organized.

Today I shall accomplish:
- The remainder of my ID's and outline.
- Rehearse my song a few times and start to think of a way to record it.
- Make some Christmas cards.
And probably other stuff.

I've decided I'm for making new years resolutions this year, it'll feel too weird if I don't. I'm going to start thinking about them and make a nice little list or something.

Although I feel like death, I'm quite content.


have a little faith.

!@#$

It's all hitting me, hard. This is going to fucking suck. And the greatest part is that there's no way of avoiding this. It's just going to creep closer and closer until it happens. I hate this. I'm scared.


I sure hope so.

weather changes moods

Happy happy happy.
Santa Claus is coming today on his firetruck. :] I'm kind of upset that Christmas is so close, the winter pretty much sucks after break is over. I just hope the rest of the winter goes by as quickly as December has been. In a way, though, I'm not sure anymore how I feel about time; it's like the grass is always greener on the other side. I want time to slow down because I'm growing up too fast, but at the same time I don't want it to crawl by. I want to stay young but I want to grow up. I really am a walking contradiction.

I want to at least try and be productive today. I shall:
- Clean my room...somewhat
- Task three essay
- Start my ID's that are due Tuesday
- Start my outline that's due Tuesday
- Practice my song a few times
- Make 5-10 more cards
- Relax :]
The biggest eh factor is the whole cleaning thing, but I'm going to have to if I want room for Christmas stuff in a week and a half, anyway.

When 2010 comes, I think it's going to feel weird writing dates like 1/1/10..the whole /10 thing looks kinda awkward to me. Speaking of the new year, though, I'm still undecided about whether or not I'm going to have resolutions. Part of me wants to have real resolutions, and the other part of me wants my resolution to be to not have a resolution.

I've lately realized that most people don't understand why I do things the way I do. Sometimes even I don't understand myself. I think I'm okay with it though. The thought of being completely figured out is kinda scary, even though I'm sure I probably am figured out and don't even completely realize it.

I've been thinking a lot about the future and what I want to do. The fact that I really don't know anymore scares the bejesus out of me. I want to be an elementary school teacher, but I know right now it's hard to find a job on Long Island as one of those. I want to be a psychologist but I know I don't actually have the patience or nature for that job, it's also far more schooling than I really want to do. If I still want to really be a teacher and pick a subject, I'd probably pick like physics or something; it's so much easier to find a job as one of those but I don't think I want to take a bunch of math courses and have to do labs and all that. I'm so undecided. I hope I have as much time as everyone says I do.
Damn I miss that boy.

"You ever look a picture of yourself, and see a stranger in the background?. It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other peoples life have we been in. Were we a part of someone's life when their dream came true or were we there when their dream died. Did we keep trying to get in? As if we were somehow destined to be there or did the shot take us by surprise. Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life, and not even know it."

so maybe

this isn't as much your fault as I thought.

titleless

I think I've narrowed down my classes. AP English, AP Gov, AP Physics, AP Calculus, Intro to Sociology, and Gym. Seubert said that's already a crazy schedule and will definitely be enough, and I'm actually happy with it.

My earrings have snowmen and I love them. Kelly said she found dark brown dye and I'm so tempted cause my color faded and I've recently been obsessed with dark hair, meh. :| This week seems to be going kind of slow, I think I might like it slightly.

My brain is emptyish. I might come back to this later.

senior year?

Today we talked about courses for next year. I've got it pretty narrowed down. My core classes are going to be AP Lit, AP Gov, AP Physics, and AP Calculus. I'm going to take Intro to Sociology (half year) for college credits, and Public Speaking for half year as well. If they are offering AP Spanish, I honestly don't want to take it because I'm already having 5 college credit classes; I don't want to pile more stuff on myself, especially stuff I'm not interested in. I'm still considering the French thing, but I don't know. Maybe co-op or ceramics? I was going to take Guitar Ensemble but I don't think so either.

suffocation. no breathing

I feel as if life is closing in on me. Like all windows and doors are just being shut in my face. Like the walls are slowly moving closer and closer to me, trapping me to the point where I just want to break out. I don't even know what this means, but it's the only way I can explain it.

before we all burn

Time is flying by; I'm not sure I like it. Life is just rushing by, not even giving anyone a chance to truly enjoy it and analyze the things around them.

I already lost my thoughts.

my dear blog

You were the final straw that made me spend hours recovering my computer, haha. <3

I'm in a pretty good mood. Cheetah print AIM excites me, as well as functioning computers (we'll see how long that lats thought :/). I think my nap made me in a good mood, I enjoy naps. I could really go for some pasta, hopefully that's what we have for dinner this evening.

I was upset that Yettie's sick and I couldn't hang out with her today, but it's okay, hopefully next weekend or one day after school this week.

Christmas is in nineteen days. DECEMBER SLOW DOWN. But I'm still excited, though. Things I love about Christmas time:
- Christmas cards. I love putting my creativity to good use.
- Most people are nicer.
- The mall is lovely.
- Beautiful Christmas lights everywhere.
- Buying people presents is fun.
- Wrapping presents is fun.
- It's an excuse to eat more.
- I get stuff!
- Time off from school FTW!
- I can listen to Christmas music without feeling insane.
- I'm usually happier.
- Chocolate cigars on Christmas Eve.
- Anticipation.
Yeah, I could go on forever. I love Christmas. So far I've done about eight cards I think, I'm doing pretty well.

:)