irrational thinking

As silence fills he room, my thousands of unsorted thoughts speak loud enough to compensate for each person in there. Nothing makes sense to me right now, I'm not sure it will. As my eye meets the eye of each person, I feel more and more alone. I don't know who's who anymore. Nothing feels real; it's like this is all some crazy nightmare, or some bad acid trip. When I look at these people, I don't know them from a stranger on the street. When I look in the mirror, I don't even know myself from a stranger on the street. This life is just dragging on like a restless dream, making no sense whatsoever. My rational thinking filter has just flown out the window. Everything's being played by ear. This can't be good, can it? I don't even know. I can't separate the good from the bad, the real from the unreal, the rational from the irrational. I'm suffocating, I've got nowhere to run. I need to escape, just anything to get out of here...

you and me against the world

I've said all there is to be said. I've fought all the fights there are to be fought. I've cried all the tears there are to be cried. I've given all there is to be given. There comes a time when you have to draw the line and decide what's worth it and what's not. There's a time when giving up is appropriate, and it's up to you to pick and choose.

bubbly

I'm so effervescent today. I'm taking the negatives and making them as positive as possible, and you know what, things don't look so bad when you think of them that way. Though nothing in my life but my outlook has changed, things just seem so much better.

With Halloween just around the corner, I'm still unsure of what I'm going to do. I'm going to pick up my face paint sometime with in the next few days or so. Hopefully I figure something out soon -- I don't wanna just wing it and end up looking horrible.

I've decided that I must see Paranormal Activity this weekend. I'm hearing too many people say how scary it was, and I just want to see it. I'm definitely going to cry; everyone's claiming it's the scariest movie ever. Or maybe I'll be the polar opposite of everyone and I won't find it scary at all. Who knows.

My thoughts are flying at the speed of light. I like this.

waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Especially for being sick, I feel abnormally happy and peaceful. I really feel like myself. I have ever since that talk we had Sunday night. I realized so much from that conversation. Sadly that's how it always is. I'm not sure why it always takes me forever to figure stuff out. Better late than never though, right?

Everything just makes so much more sense now. My mindset had been at such a state of confusion lately that everything had gotten thrown off. It's why I've had no thoughts. It's why we fought so much. Ever since school started, everything got all wacky and this is the reason why.
I've been far too focused on these "friends". I don't need most of these people, I never will. As of now I have the few people I need. I need to remember it's about quality, not quantity.

Sometimes things just get so bad to the point where you can't even bring yourself to care anymore. You slowly being to realize it isn't worth it, and force yourself to kind of almost laugh about it; you get to a point where not much further could bother you. I'm starting to consider dorming in college, or definitely no matter what at least moving out the summer after graduation. I need to live.



"Everything happens for a reason. Things fall apart so better things can fall together. But in the end, what's meant to be will always find its way."
Slowly but surely I've realized it. Each and every experience has been put into play for a reason. These things aren't just insignificant little sucky parts of my life; they're each a little piece that will put together the big picture in the end. I think I'm learning to have faith in things working themselves out the way they're supposed to.

I'm feeling more ambitious than ever.

sunshine on my shoulder

I'm so pleased with how yesterday went. I really hope things stay this way; I hope this is the end of that rough patch. I don't think I could handle any more.

Have you ever sat back and realized how much of a hypocritical world we live in? Everything contradicts each other in some way or another. Everyone is so different yet we're all the same.

I feel content and calm and happy and talkative and everything. I like not being contained to one emotion, life's boring that way. I'm in the mood to cuddle up with someone under some nice, warm blankets with some hot chocolate with mini marshmallows, listen to the rain, and watch a movie.



As I paced back and forth outside the library, watching my breath circle the air, I was lost in thought. We often think we've discovered ourselves, but we're generally wrong. We, especially as teenagers, seem to be growing and changing on a daily basis. When will we really discover ourselves? When will we really be the person that we're going to be?

guilty by design

You visited me last night. You have no idea how badly I miss you. <3

I know they say things fall into place on their own, but I'm still scared. I don't even know how it got this way. One wrong move can ruin everything now.

hello rain

Today was just lovely. I thought I was going to have a rather blah day until Ms. Cohen-Willard wasn't there. After that, everything sort of got better.
For the first time ever, I'm slightly excited for pep rally tomorrow. Maybe I need to let more things excite me. Life is funner when you're always looking forward to something.

I want to have a productive evening.
- Clean my room
- Rewrite AP US essay
- Physics homework
- Math homework
- Find something red and gray/black to wear tomorrow
- Paint my nails
- BE HAPPY.

I'll get it all done.

For some reason, this rainy afternoon has me in a really good mood. It's great, considering I woke up borderline suicidal this morning. I guess I was bound to have a really cranky beginning of my morning at some point, considering it's kind of been a while for that.

:)

call and return

I love waking up to feel the cool fall air and the bright sun shining through my window. It's been a while since I've felt this happy.

I'm not sure why my thoughts have been so boring -- well. why any interesting thoughts I have can never make it out. Maybe I need to read a good book. Maybe I just need something, something to open my mind and let everything come out.

inside the fire

Oh what a lovely 4:32 AM on a Friday morning. I sit here eating a blueberry muffin pop tart, wrapped in my snuggie while clenched over in pain. Yet I'm unusually happy this morning as I wait for the beginning of my medicine supply for the day to kick in.

I think I'm going to make a list of things that make me happy.
1) Thomas and Stanley, obviously.
2) Rainy Friday nights
3) Holding hands
4) Little kisses
5) Three day weekends
6) Pink Floyd
7) The feeling after reading a really good book
8) Friends
9) Fall
10) Uggs
11) Skinny jeans
12) Converse
13) Blankets in the Winter
14) Mornings
15) Sunny Sundays
16) Funny movies
17) Friday night plans
18) Good grades
19) Music
20) Colored headphones
21) Bright colors
22) Soft hair
23) The Christmas Season
24) Baking
25) Shopping

I'm going to stop here for now.
:)

thursday evening

I will be productive. I will be productive. I will be productive.

- English homework
- AP US Homework
- Revise at least one of my AP US essays
- Read over AP US notes and tomorrow's stuff
- Study for my physics test
- Study for pre-calc
- Clean my room
- Straighten my hair (after shower, of course)
- Situps and squats
- Make this face --> :) <-- alot.

Procrastination will not be my friend tonight.

happy i am

I wonder if there's a word that means happier than ecstatic. If there is, that's what I am.

wouldn't it be nice

Things seem really, really good.
I don't know what exactly I'm excited for; but I'm excited.
I can just feel something good coming along.

I. Need. Interesting. Thoughts.

what's simple is true

Lovely Saturday. My cake was yummy, my boyfriend is amazing, and I even ate my broccoli without being asked. Life seems peachy. I'm excited for next weekend :]

My to-do list for tomorrow:
- Read chapter nine
- Do the questions on chapter nine
- Study math
- Study English
- Clean my room
- Learn 3 more chords
- Start my sit-ups again for the thousandth time
- Pluck my eyebrows

And nothing else matters.

thirteen reasons why

Thirteen Reasons Why. Jay Asher.
I love feeling of you get when you just finished a really great book, one that moved you. But this is a different kind of moving. This is something I felt relation to -- but shouldn't have. Why can I relate to a book that tells all the last words of a girl that killed herself? I'm not sure why I understand her in a way. Or why I've felt some of what she's felt -- why I've felt even the slightest relation to her. Or why I can honestly say I've sat there and thought about how I'd do it, or when, or how, or thought about my funeral, or thought about who'd cry. It's kind of sad in a way. Before you think I'm crazy, though, it's been quite some time since any of that has really crossed my mind like that.
Nonetheless, amazing book. It's almost comforting, in a way, to read the thoughts of someone that fictionally killed themselves. It's comforting to realize you truly are not alone. It's actually really upsetting to think about; it's upsetting to realize that society has become so corrupt that the only way you can be zapped back into the reality of those around you and their minds is by reading a deep book.
I almost wanted to jump through the pages of the book. I wanted to rip apart each letter of every word and run after her. To let her know she isn't alone; to let her know someone does care, and does understand. To save her, or at least try. This book made me dead-set. I know what I'm doing with my life. Any doubts of career I once had have been settled. Reading this-- reading her words and imagining her broken voice speaking them-- made me realize I can't not be that outlet, that savior. The same savior I always wanted when I thought the same thoughts, when I had to save myself.

complicated

I want things to look up for me.

something in the way

Today is like a sad song. The overall gloominess forms each chord, strummed with such emotion that you can't help but get knots in your stomach and kinda stop your movement when you hear it. The rain is just the icing on the cake, the beautifully sad voice that accompanies each sad, sloppy chord.

If I had a nice, grassy yard, I'd go sit right in the midst of nature's cry. It's not even necessarily being sad, I just want to feel the rain.

My emotions may as well be a bag of Chex Mix today, so scattered about and random. I'm happy; I love rainy weekends and will most likely get to hang out with my best friend for the first time in a while. I'm sad, I'm making Thomas sad. I'm confused; I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, but it sure seems that way. I wonder if this is normal.

If I could drive, I'd just drive and drive for hours today in this lovely rain.

every rose has its thorn

I feel like I'm at a resting point, thought wise.
Things are going well, quite well. Other than feeling slightly overwhelmed with work, there's nothing much to even complain about anymore..well, semi-worth complaining about, at any rate.

Have you ever wondered what it's like to be the last one standing? I'm not sure if it would be scary or exciting--probably an unfriendly mixture of both.

Confession: I'm growing really excited. Two weeks to go.

throw it all away

I officially give up on Hard Love. I'm only halfway through it, but it sucks and I'm not wasting my time. Boo. :[

Tomorrow makes me happy.

falling down

I've been torn up many times, but I'd always known how to sew. Threads upon threads stitched through me, in and out. But what about when one old thread breaks, then they all snap? Old holes that were once patched are now open wounds, gushing with pain.

If today isn't the definition of a roller coaster, I don't know what is. I'm just waiting to be turned upside down and dangled there for a while, feeling all the blood flow right to my brain.

It's probably impossible, having emotions that each one is an oxymoron of another, just contradicting each other over and over. I'm not sure if it's even possible to be happy and sad at the same time, but I am. I feel stressed and tense, yet calm and at peace. I confuse myself, too, don't worry.


Show me what it's like to be the last one standing
Teach me wrong from right, and I'll show you what I can be
And say it for me; Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me



Would you follow me?

so nice

Things do seem to have a really, really weird way of working out.