I said I was going to

refrain from making lists on here.
But this one isn't stupid.
I've decided I'll make a list of the songs I want to learn.

bold = want to learn
italic = in progress

Death Cab For Cutie - Crooked Teeth
Death Cab For Cutie - Tiny Vessels
The Beatles - Here Comes The Sun
Gregory And The Hawk - Boats and Birds
Coldplay - Strawberry Swing
Blink 182 - I Miss You
Brand New - Mix Tape
Nirvana - In Bloom
Nirvana - Something In The Way
Oasis - Wonderwall
Poison - Every Rose Has Its Thorn
Rise Against - Swing Life Away

That is all, for now.

I just realized

how much my bed doesn't match.
One pillowcase is purple.
The other is light pink.
My sheet on the actual mattress is dark pink.
My other sheet is the light pink.
And my comforter is a darker purple than the purple pillowcase.
I think it looks nice, though. :]

maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me;

It's weird how at certain times, certain songs can trigger old memories associated with it. Yet sometimes the memories seem so locked away that they won't come out. When they do come out, it's weird how weird it can make you feel, or how much it can hurt. The first time I heard this song, I was sitting on the brick divider outside school in seventh grade, Denise's headphones in one ear. We just got back from the field day at the beach, and everything seemed nice. After each fight, I remember sitting in the living room singing this song, him joining in out of tune. Even though looking around, there was one thing less together, being at the wonderwall stage meant the fight was over. It meant everything was okay. It was that feeling of reassurance, even though I knew another fight would come. Sometimes you don't even realize how much things change until everything is different.

so here's your holiday;

The rain bangs at my window, begging to damper my mood. The somber weather has actually brightened the setting of my mind. I love rainy days when I can just stay in my room comfy and listen to nature do its thing.

I just started Life As We Knew It. I'm really glad that I'm keeping up on my reading. I think I'm actually ahead..which is good, since I'm sure there will be weeks this year where I really don't get to read an entire book. Thomas is a savior for providing me with the lovely Domino's I had for lunch. He even gave me my absolute favorite, bacon. As Blink 182 penetrates my speakers and fills the half dark room around me, I brighten up inside. I'm going to work on some English soon, then probably play guitar or read. Some point tonight, I have a letter to tackle. I hope I don't regret this. I won't regret trying, that's silly...isn't it?

Oh, it's what you do to me.

she wants to go home, but nobody's home;

I may have actually found a happy medium. Things are pretty much going horribly here right now, but I think I can still see some good in this. I'm glad I get to relax this week mostly, and I'm excited for Friday. Things are stronger than ever between us. Another shot at reaching NHS is coming up. I made Seub agree to go to AW which I'm excited for.Time is going fast and slow at the same time. Things are bad and good at the same time. Maybe this is life's steady medium; the space where things are good and bad and fast and slow and happy and sad and normal.

Thinking about the buffet before triggered my memories. She'd always sneak me out to eat on my school breaks and not tell him about it. We'd go drive around and look at houses to escape ours together. Even when things were on the brink of falling apart, when you took me and got us Starbucks and sat at the Town Hall playground and you promised things would be okay. What happened to the mommy you were? Even if it was a lie, even if everything we had seems gone, even if I should hate you and want to hate you, this mom has to be somewhere hiding beneath this strange monster...right?

slide along side;

I'm surprisingly happy for being up so early on a Saturday. Luckily I'm not too nervous at all for this test. I still hope I do well, of course, but I'm not super worried.

I can't wait to see you today. To feel your touch, your fingers through my hair. Your lips gently pressing against mine. Our bodies close together; your arms wrapped around me. I can't wait for any of this. I miss you.

Nineteen Minutes

Overall good book. Wasn't exactly an easy read; I'm still surprised it took me a week, though. It was hard to get into, but once I was into it I was hooked. I'm generally not too fond of books written in third person, but I learned to get used to that after a while. I think I'm definitely going to read some of Jodi Picoult's other things.
Four down, forty six to go.

square one;

Maybe part of the reason I'm so on and off with everything is because that's how I'm treated. One second it seems like they care, then the next second they're back to not. Of course nobody called to see if she's available tomorrow morning. Of course I had to do it, and she didn't even answer the phone. "It's your test." Yeah, but it's your fault your child doesn't have a ride to the test, which last time I checked comes with the responsibility of parenting. Maybe I'm also not a fan of bending over a computer desk to use a phone with a one foot chord while having pot smoke blown in my face. But I feel like it's not so much her as it is him. I don't even know who it is anymore. Maybe there's no point in laying blame. Who cares? The fact is, nothing I say is truly heard. I guess it's totally logical to pay for a cable box that's broken, as long as yours works it's all good in your world. I guess it's okay that I have no means of communication with you or anyone the second I step foot out of the house. Sorry that I'm just reminding you today that I need a snack for tomorrow, didn't know three bucks was a huge deal. I'm clearly never going to drive. But it's okay, keep playing WOW. That's all that matters, right? Nobody's ever given a shit about me, I shouldn't expect anybody to start now.

Thank God tomorrow's Saturday. I need you.

just like you;

"No offense, but I just don't think you're suited to be a psychologist." I can let that statement do two things: deter me away from it and be something else, or work harder at becoming one. I pick the second one, though it's bugging me that I'm still not sure what I want to do yet. I'm completely torn between that and teacher. Both are good jobs, but I don't know which one is for me.

I really hope it isn't too late to get into creative writing. I don't want anatomy at all anymore. I'm praying that tomorrow first period I'll get a guidance slip. *praypraypray*

I'm kind of thoughtless. But I feel motivated.

p.s. I miss you.

I really hope that hard work pays off as much as everyone says.

let me blow your mind;

Sometimes I really can't help but miss you. And it doesn't make it easier when I have to sit next to you everyday. Maybe I'm the one being not so nice. You haven't done anything to me. Who am I to judge you for the poor choices you make? It's not like I haven't made my share.

this heart, it beats for you.

things happen but we don't really know why;

I love listening to old songs and feeling the same way you felt the first time you heard them. Especially when you forgot all about the song for a while. I just realized so many of the songs I like have had some type of significance in my life, whether it be good or bad. Maybe one day I'll make a list of them.

and maybe,

part of the reason I sometimes have trouble with myself is because I try too hard. I try too hard to find myself. That's not what life is about. You can look all you want, but there are certain things you'll never just stumble upon. Some things have to be created within.

and i know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic;

The webcam software I downloaded has me too excited. I wish I had thought of it BEFORE I had to quit on project 365. Oh well, Thomas is right though about 2011 being better for it.

I'm excited for next Friday. I hope I'm doing as well as I think. Sometimes I care more about what she thinks than what I think...in the least creepy way possible.

Maybe there's more to people than we think. Maybe we're all more alike than we've ever thought. Sometimes I wonder if anyone watches me from afar. Not in a creepy way or anything, just if anyone finds themselves able to relate to me and kind of keeps an interest in me. I know I do that to people. I certainly have blogs I read more often than others. Then again, maybe I'm the only freak that longs for people to relate to. Who knows?

I'm hungry and craving cocoa puffs.
Screw you, mother nature.

french toast fail

I.CAN'T.COOK.
I think I need to start learning soon.

Hopefully today will be a good day?

my late night thoughts consist of you;

I still can't believe I almost gave this up. We may fight, but I'm sure it's nothing that can't be fixed. What would I do without you?

I truly am

a jealous, heartless creature.
I don't deserve anyone.

don't let me go;

The rain is falling so hard, so full of angst. Full of emotion. The sky is letting everything go. Releasing its problems. Releasing its fears. Releasing its pains. Sometimes you just need to release it all, you need to let things go.

I'm starting to feel really bad about before. But maybe I needed that. Maybe I needed to almost let you go to realize how stupid I was being. I was so close to letting you just walk out of my life, but that little voice spoke to me. It more yelled at me, actually. What the hell are you thinking? You need him. You want him. You love him. Make this work. And so I did, and I am, and I will. Maybe this is a little more special than I thought.

"Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you."

nothing for me here;

I know you're supposed to always focus on what you have and not what you don't have, but the less you have, you sometimes can't help but pay a little attention to the things that are lacking. I guess I'm just realizing how much things kind of suck right now.