January Forth.

3:09 PM.
I'm sitting on my bed and I'm already going crazy. I've realized I can't even access my bookmarks offline now, this sucks. I was going to go for a walk despite the fact that it's brutally cold outside, but my stomach kind of hurts so I think I'm just going to sit in my room with not much to do. I've already finished half of my book, and I'm somehow going to have to make it last me until tomorrow morning. Luckily I can still type on word and post these tomorrow morning at school, I'm so glad this site is not blocked by the ridiculous monitoring system that acts like we're five. Maybe this can be my escape. At least I know now with all this going on that I've definitely got a headstart on my 365 posts for 2010.

3:51 PM.
"Now that I have a goal I feel a lot stronger myself." So true.

4:48 PM.
I discovered that my progress report came God only knows when. It was good. I don't understand why Mr. K always puts 80-89 when I really have like a 97 in his class. Maybe he's one of those teachers that just puts that for all the people passing. Maybe I'll ask him tomorrow.

5:40 PM.
My stomach feels so vacant, grumbling and begging for food, yet my mind is so full and has more fuel than ever. I never thought I'd have so many thoughts racing through my head while using Descartes Rule of Signs to the point where I rush to get it done just to jot them all down.
It feels like life is going fast and slow at the same time. Like each moment is speeding by, yet looking back it seems as though they've all dragged on. I'm not quite sure how it's possible for time to go fast and slow at the same time. Maybe that's why they tell you to seize the moment, maybe nobody knows for sure how time goes by the way it does.
I've always thought of bad things happening to me as a sign of God trying to punish me. Normally I'd feel like being stranded in my room with no connection to the outside world except books full of the thoughts of others as a punishment for doing something wrong. But this time I feel like maybe the world is speaking to me in an unsual way. Maybe it's a sign that I have to stop being so dependent on the presence of others constantly. Maybe a reminder that I'm okay; a reminder that I am, in fact, stable enough to be alone for a little while. Maybe it's a sign that it's time to be alone with my thoughts, maybe I'm supposed to get to know myself better right now by digging deep into my head and heart to see what's going on in them. I don't think I've ever been so content in a time of a bad situation. Maybe the key to life really is the eyes you look through. The situtation I'm in right now could easily seem absolutely awful ot just about anybody, but with the outlook I have, it doesn't seem half bad as of now. I'm confident in the fact that I've got a pretty solid head on my shoulders.
I don't remember when the last time I've written so much was. And I know the night isn't even near over, my thoughts are just waking up.
I knew all I needed was a book.

6:04 PM.
I know you're not supposed to try and interfere with fate, but I hope it isn't wrong to simply question it. I wonder how people are selected for certain things. Obviously in the end, when it comes to strength this world is usually like a survival of the fittest type thing. But how are the fit people selected to be the ones faced with challenges? Some people never have to really face anything super difficult, while for some people difficulty is all they know. I just wonder how people are chosen to be the fit, potential strong ones. I know I'm going to be strong, one of the strongest ones out there. I already am stronger than I thought I'd ever be, and I'm only getting stronger with each and every day that passes by. I think strength is one of the best feelings in the world.

6:29 PM.
Okay I have to admit, boredom is slightly starting to kick in. I wish I at least had TV or something. You know, it's kind of sad how dependent on technology we are today. It's like without internet or cell phones, we're all a mess. I can understand that we're bored, but we should at least be able to function without this stuff. I'd be totally fine right now if I happened to have a few books that I haven't already read. I think that if everything and everyone in my life failed me, I'd still kind of be content with living in a cute little place alone for the rest of my life, with my nose in a book and a never ending supply of paper and pens nearby. I never really realized how much of a bookworm I am until I actually recently started craving books. I'm looking forward to returning to the library tomorrow morning. I think I may take out two books this time, so that at least I'll have something to do tomorrow evening.

7:05 PM.
While still waiting for dinner, I've had nothing to do but stare at my ceiling and reflect more on Go Ask Alice. Even though the narrator was a fictional character, I actually do feel a connection with her. Okay, so a lot of it does seem like her fault. But her first trip, the drugs were slipped into her drink, and the first high is what had her wanting more. Seeking trying it a few more times was her choice, yes, but I still feel bad for her. Once you're on drugs, any type of drugs, it's incredibly hard to just stop and live a sober life happily. You can't just throw away your escape like that. She was a lost soul and I feel bad for her. Sadly I almost even know how she feels.
I think I'm going to bed early tonight.

8:39 PM.
I'm officially bored out of my mind, but I'm not to the point of frustration due to boredum yet. It is absoultely frigid in here. I can barely feel my toes or fingers. I still really want a book to read. I found my old Victoria's Secret bag in the side of my closet while looking for my Nintendo 64, which incidentally I did not find. It still had some old folders and papers from the beginning of last year. I somehow found myself desperate enough to occupy my time that I sat and read the courses offered book basically from start to finish.
Dinner was good and I think I'm going to exercise soon, once I stop being lazy. I'm really, really, REALLY praying that I have an afternoon off for midterms that will work for Ms. C. I want more than anything to see her. I feel like lately between everytime I see her I change so much, but in a good way for once. Although sometimes she doesn't blatantly express things like this, I know she'll be proud of who I've become. I'm generally not a pour-my-heart-out type of person, but I've made damn sure that she knows everything she's done for me and how much I appreciate her guidance.
Now I think I'm kind of just babbling on, but I don't think I'm really complaining about it much. I just haven't used this writing style in ages. I try too much to focus on wording my "interesting" thoughts in a well-organized, sophisticated manner. I think I need to do something like this more; I need to start just letting out whatever is on my mind and if it happens to form a beautiful literary work, that's fabulous, and if not...so be it.
I found my yearbook from seventh grade and was looking through it. It's actually kind of weird when you stop and think about people. You know, how they come, how they go, etc. School is the most contact we will have with huge bodies of people probably ever, as well as for such an extended period of time. We're so adjusted to the people around us that we probably don't even take the time to notice their presence. It's weird that in just under a year and a half, the majority of these people will just be distant memories, if even that.

9:10 PM.
You never realize what things can come to sometimes. If I'd been online right now, I never would have searched my closet for that Nintendo 64. I never would have found my red belt, or my soft lips lip balm. Most importantly, twenty minutes after finding my old bag, I never would have found my old (favorite, by the way) wallet..that just so happened to have eleven dollars in it. I've spent the last good fiteen minutes searching my entire room and gathering change. From now on, every penny I get, is being saved. No more spending unneccesary money. I'll spend what I have to and save each and every other penny for now. At least until I get a job, then maybe I'll treat myself once in a while. I never thought things would be to the point where eleven dollars makes my entire night.

9:53 PM.
So much for an early night. At least I know I'll fall asleep early. The taste of toothpaste has turned my stomach. I'm feeling overwhelmed by a sense of peacefulness; it's pretty nice. I'm hoping this feeling lasts and I still feel nice in the morning. Oh, I'm doing that picture-a-day thing for 2010 and so far I'm keeping up with it quite well. I don't think I'll share it, though, until things get fixed and I'll get to upload the ones I'm doing over the next x amount of days.
Goodnight, world.