FRUSTRATED. I wanted to put this in my written diary but I don't even have the energy to write. I'm trying so hard to go back to normal and it's so hard and unfair. Making it through the schoolday is hard. Focusing is nearly impossible. I can't keep my grades nearly as high as last quarter I'll be lucky if I crack 90 with my lack of ability to focus due to discomfort. I'm just so frustrated because I want to just go back to normal. I don't want to be tired all the time. I don't want to have to sit down sometimes. I don't want to be unable to focus in school. It isn't fair. I want my life back.

did you ever think that maybe i need this? i need to get the hell out of here im practically stuck in the house for god knows how long and the one opportunity ive been looking forward to is still there for me of course im gonna take it. you act like youve never been selfish before i can name plenty of times you have im sure.

Life As We Knew It

SOSOSO disappointing. I was into it for the whole book, and the ending just made me mad. It was nothing. Bleh.
5 down, 45 to go.

and everything will be alright

Though it's cold outside, the sun beaming through my window still at 4:39 is giving me the feeling of spring time. For some reason I'm being reminded of the few weeks in eighth grade where I played softball. The same sun shined down just like this, sending the same feeling throughout my body.

I feel like in the end, everything will be okay.

I feel like my life is pretty in order today. I'm feeling this day a lot. I hope I'm not sick and that my body is just being weird right now.

I'm usually incredibly uncomfortable anywhere I go for an extended period of time, but for once it's like the opposite effect. I actually feel uncomfortable here, I don't feel home. I want to go back. She wants me to come back for some of February break but that's going to cause conflict especially if I don't get my phone by then. Meh :|

I hate the way coming home from some place nice feels. It really puts a damper on my mood and makes me realize just how much I hate it here.

I wish I could even explain to you how amazing this weekend was. If it wasn't for him I'd probably never come home.

so close no matter how far,

I've felt really in love lately. I can't even explain at it all. Times like these I wish we were eighteen with our own places so we could just cuddle up in bed together.

we all live in a yellow submarine.

I'm stoked for tomorrow. :D
I'm feeling pretty content right now.
Blogger's been boring me lately. :| Mostly because I feel like it's a waste to make quick little posts, and sometimes it's hard to have full, flowy thoughts. Meh.

I said I was going to

refrain from making lists on here.
But this one isn't stupid.
I've decided I'll make a list of the songs I want to learn.

bold = want to learn
italic = in progress

Death Cab For Cutie - Crooked Teeth
Death Cab For Cutie - Tiny Vessels
The Beatles - Here Comes The Sun
Gregory And The Hawk - Boats and Birds
Coldplay - Strawberry Swing
Blink 182 - I Miss You
Brand New - Mix Tape
Nirvana - In Bloom
Nirvana - Something In The Way
Oasis - Wonderwall
Poison - Every Rose Has Its Thorn
Rise Against - Swing Life Away

That is all, for now.

I just realized

how much my bed doesn't match.
One pillowcase is purple.
The other is light pink.
My sheet on the actual mattress is dark pink.
My other sheet is the light pink.
And my comforter is a darker purple than the purple pillowcase.
I think it looks nice, though. :]

maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me;

It's weird how at certain times, certain songs can trigger old memories associated with it. Yet sometimes the memories seem so locked away that they won't come out. When they do come out, it's weird how weird it can make you feel, or how much it can hurt. The first time I heard this song, I was sitting on the brick divider outside school in seventh grade, Denise's headphones in one ear. We just got back from the field day at the beach, and everything seemed nice. After each fight, I remember sitting in the living room singing this song, him joining in out of tune. Even though looking around, there was one thing less together, being at the wonderwall stage meant the fight was over. It meant everything was okay. It was that feeling of reassurance, even though I knew another fight would come. Sometimes you don't even realize how much things change until everything is different.

so here's your holiday;

The rain bangs at my window, begging to damper my mood. The somber weather has actually brightened the setting of my mind. I love rainy days when I can just stay in my room comfy and listen to nature do its thing.

I just started Life As We Knew It. I'm really glad that I'm keeping up on my reading. I think I'm actually ahead..which is good, since I'm sure there will be weeks this year where I really don't get to read an entire book. Thomas is a savior for providing me with the lovely Domino's I had for lunch. He even gave me my absolute favorite, bacon. As Blink 182 penetrates my speakers and fills the half dark room around me, I brighten up inside. I'm going to work on some English soon, then probably play guitar or read. Some point tonight, I have a letter to tackle. I hope I don't regret this. I won't regret trying, that's silly...isn't it?

Oh, it's what you do to me.

she wants to go home, but nobody's home;

I may have actually found a happy medium. Things are pretty much going horribly here right now, but I think I can still see some good in this. I'm glad I get to relax this week mostly, and I'm excited for Friday. Things are stronger than ever between us. Another shot at reaching NHS is coming up. I made Seub agree to go to AW which I'm excited for.Time is going fast and slow at the same time. Things are bad and good at the same time. Maybe this is life's steady medium; the space where things are good and bad and fast and slow and happy and sad and normal.

Thinking about the buffet before triggered my memories. She'd always sneak me out to eat on my school breaks and not tell him about it. We'd go drive around and look at houses to escape ours together. Even when things were on the brink of falling apart, when you took me and got us Starbucks and sat at the Town Hall playground and you promised things would be okay. What happened to the mommy you were? Even if it was a lie, even if everything we had seems gone, even if I should hate you and want to hate you, this mom has to be somewhere hiding beneath this strange monster...right?

slide along side;

I'm surprisingly happy for being up so early on a Saturday. Luckily I'm not too nervous at all for this test. I still hope I do well, of course, but I'm not super worried.

I can't wait to see you today. To feel your touch, your fingers through my hair. Your lips gently pressing against mine. Our bodies close together; your arms wrapped around me. I can't wait for any of this. I miss you.

Nineteen Minutes

Overall good book. Wasn't exactly an easy read; I'm still surprised it took me a week, though. It was hard to get into, but once I was into it I was hooked. I'm generally not too fond of books written in third person, but I learned to get used to that after a while. I think I'm definitely going to read some of Jodi Picoult's other things.
Four down, forty six to go.

square one;

Maybe part of the reason I'm so on and off with everything is because that's how I'm treated. One second it seems like they care, then the next second they're back to not. Of course nobody called to see if she's available tomorrow morning. Of course I had to do it, and she didn't even answer the phone. "It's your test." Yeah, but it's your fault your child doesn't have a ride to the test, which last time I checked comes with the responsibility of parenting. Maybe I'm also not a fan of bending over a computer desk to use a phone with a one foot chord while having pot smoke blown in my face. But I feel like it's not so much her as it is him. I don't even know who it is anymore. Maybe there's no point in laying blame. Who cares? The fact is, nothing I say is truly heard. I guess it's totally logical to pay for a cable box that's broken, as long as yours works it's all good in your world. I guess it's okay that I have no means of communication with you or anyone the second I step foot out of the house. Sorry that I'm just reminding you today that I need a snack for tomorrow, didn't know three bucks was a huge deal. I'm clearly never going to drive. But it's okay, keep playing WOW. That's all that matters, right? Nobody's ever given a shit about me, I shouldn't expect anybody to start now.

Thank God tomorrow's Saturday. I need you.

just like you;

"No offense, but I just don't think you're suited to be a psychologist." I can let that statement do two things: deter me away from it and be something else, or work harder at becoming one. I pick the second one, though it's bugging me that I'm still not sure what I want to do yet. I'm completely torn between that and teacher. Both are good jobs, but I don't know which one is for me.

I really hope it isn't too late to get into creative writing. I don't want anatomy at all anymore. I'm praying that tomorrow first period I'll get a guidance slip. *praypraypray*

I'm kind of thoughtless. But I feel motivated.

p.s. I miss you.

I really hope that hard work pays off as much as everyone says.

let me blow your mind;

Sometimes I really can't help but miss you. And it doesn't make it easier when I have to sit next to you everyday. Maybe I'm the one being not so nice. You haven't done anything to me. Who am I to judge you for the poor choices you make? It's not like I haven't made my share.

this heart, it beats for you.

things happen but we don't really know why;

I love listening to old songs and feeling the same way you felt the first time you heard them. Especially when you forgot all about the song for a while. I just realized so many of the songs I like have had some type of significance in my life, whether it be good or bad. Maybe one day I'll make a list of them.

and maybe,

part of the reason I sometimes have trouble with myself is because I try too hard. I try too hard to find myself. That's not what life is about. You can look all you want, but there are certain things you'll never just stumble upon. Some things have to be created within.

and i know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic;

The webcam software I downloaded has me too excited. I wish I had thought of it BEFORE I had to quit on project 365. Oh well, Thomas is right though about 2011 being better for it.

I'm excited for next Friday. I hope I'm doing as well as I think. Sometimes I care more about what she thinks than what I think...in the least creepy way possible.

Maybe there's more to people than we think. Maybe we're all more alike than we've ever thought. Sometimes I wonder if anyone watches me from afar. Not in a creepy way or anything, just if anyone finds themselves able to relate to me and kind of keeps an interest in me. I know I do that to people. I certainly have blogs I read more often than others. Then again, maybe I'm the only freak that longs for people to relate to. Who knows?

I'm hungry and craving cocoa puffs.
Screw you, mother nature.

french toast fail

I.CAN'T.COOK.
I think I need to start learning soon.

Hopefully today will be a good day?

my late night thoughts consist of you;

I still can't believe I almost gave this up. We may fight, but I'm sure it's nothing that can't be fixed. What would I do without you?

I truly am

a jealous, heartless creature.
I don't deserve anyone.

don't let me go;

The rain is falling so hard, so full of angst. Full of emotion. The sky is letting everything go. Releasing its problems. Releasing its fears. Releasing its pains. Sometimes you just need to release it all, you need to let things go.

I'm starting to feel really bad about before. But maybe I needed that. Maybe I needed to almost let you go to realize how stupid I was being. I was so close to letting you just walk out of my life, but that little voice spoke to me. It more yelled at me, actually. What the hell are you thinking? You need him. You want him. You love him. Make this work. And so I did, and I am, and I will. Maybe this is a little more special than I thought.

"Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you."

nothing for me here;

I know you're supposed to always focus on what you have and not what you don't have, but the less you have, you sometimes can't help but pay a little attention to the things that are lacking. I guess I'm just realizing how much things kind of suck right now.

the california sun cascading down my face;

The sun's bright, beautiful rays shine through my window, penetrating deep into my soul. The by-product is something peaceful and amazing.
I'm feeling pretty good right now. Okay, really good.
I've got cramps from hell and a lot to accomplish this weekend, but I'm feeling ambitious. Today was really productive. I love productive days.

Mrs. Geiger (still totally not used to calling her by her married name!) e-mailed me this morning. I'm surprised she's stayed in contact with me for so long! I mean, I was her best student, but I'm still surprised. She's offered me a lot of help when it comes to college, so I'm excited. It's nice having some adults around that are more than willing to help me out. I'm sure I'll need it at some point within the next year or so.

I ended up talking to Tierre today about how I didn't know of anyone that was going to be in my Anatomy & Physiology class, but good news: she will be. Bad news: she named a few other people that will be in it...people that make me want to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. At least I'm on Mrs. Weber's good side. Erika said the class is relatively easy as long as you pay attention, and she only went to it about once a week.

Over the past few weeks Allie and I have become SO close. She wants me to come over Tuesday for a bit and have a study session for AP US so that we both ace the midterm. It sounds like a good idea. I enjoy her company. :)



"Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side as long as you are true to the best that is in you.”

— Christian D. Larson

Impulse

Not as good as Tricks, but still good nonetheless. The ending completely caught me off guard. I've completely thought the way they did though. What would people think if I killed myself? Who would care? Who would cry? Who would come to my funeral? Clearly not pleasant thoughts, but they happen. So far I'm really liking Ellen Hopkins' writing.
Three down, forty seven to go.

no title...

It never fails. Every time I try and search for a way to distract myself, it always come back to that one thing. That one release. Over a year later, and it still comes back to this. Will the urge ever go away?

i used to be love struck, now i'm just fucked up

What is wrong with me?? I swear I have to be bipolar or something. It just doesn't make sense. Up, down, up down, up down. Only there is no in between. Happy mediums don't exist for me. It's like I'll be all the way at the top of the stairs for a few weeks, and then instead of slowly climbing down a little, I just jump. I fall, hard. Each and every time. I break a leg for a few weeks and stay all the way at the bottom, then I somehow race back up to the top. Lather, rinse, repeat. Same process. Every single time. This has to be normal. It just has to be. This has to happen to everyone. This can't be permanent. Who am I kidding, though? It probably is just me. And it probably will never go away. It isnt' fair.

falling down;

Today wasn't all that great. Tonight I plan to get a really really good sleep, and have a nice happy day tomorrow. Possible? Perhaps.

After talking about concerts with Alex Y on his status, I've realized how deprived I am. I NEED TO GO TO ONE. I'm going to Warped Tour this summer. I've been wanting to go for years, and this summer I wanna somehow make it happen.

I forgot tomorrow's already Thursday and now I'm excited. :]

waiting for someone or something to show you the way;

Sometimes things feel like they're moving so fast that you can't catch up. It seems like everything is changing at such a rapid pace that it's overwhelming. Maybe nothing is even changing at all. Maybe it's me. Maybe...

I think I need to have an early night. I mean it this time.


if only it were that easy.

ASDFGHJKL;

I've realized that I think I'm bipolar or something. I'm either all "lalala yeah I love life!" or I'm "!#$% I wanna die screw this". No in between. No happy medium. It's weird and kind of sucks. I think I probably need some kind of psychiatric help.

I really really really do not want to take AP Calc next year. If this "easy" stuff is confusing to me, I'm signing my soul to the devil by taking that class. As of now I'm still going to take it but I'm honestly not even sure it's the best of ideas anymore.

It was nice seeing Mr. S today. 99% of people will probably never understand the relationship I have with him and Ms. C, especially her. They're more like family to me than former teachers. Like, they've done so much more for me than a regular teacher has that it feels weird to just say they were teachers.

i wish;

I had more friends.

without you it's a waste of time;

Sundays = megalove. I discovered the fifteen seconds in the microwave make brownies to die for. I can't find my white and red Converses and it's making me upset. The fact that I can't find either of them tells me that they're most likely together, which is good I guess. But I really want them, I haven't worn them in over a year and I miss them. Tomorrow I'm being super comfy to school. I'm pretty sure my camera is broken. :( My brain is clearly full of random thoughts.


I realllllly want to decorate my room some more, but I'm truly at a loss of what to do. I wish I had magazines or something, I'd do another college type thing. I have no money to develop pictures to hang. I have no posters to hang. I guess I could try and find some creativity and make stuff, but I don't know.

I'm sosoSO excited that I've got all of Swing Life away minus the solo down. I thought it'd be a hard song to do but it really isn't too bad. I have to get better at switching chords quickly but I've been playing the song for a day; I don't have to have the whole thing down by tomorrow.

I wanna try and get Impulse done soon, I want to stay ahead of my reading cause I know there will be some weeks this year where I end up slacking off or simply won't be able to read a book.

As stupid as it seems, I'm so glad that I found that list site. I absolutely love making lists, and I don't really wanna clutter this with lists. I'd rather save this for like, my real thoughts, instead of lists of what I have to accomplish.

I want to write a song. I don't know what I want it to be about, or what I want it to be called, or even the slightest idea of how I want it to go. But I want to write one. Maybe one of these days. I've never really tried to write a song before....well, not a serious one anyway. Perhaps eventually.

well if you've got the poison, i've got the remedy;

Today was so so lovely. I don't remember how long I was sleeping for, I'm sure I slept through being talked to though. Regardless it was nice.

I'm never tired when I get home. I'm going to bed anyway.

:)

we can be like they are;

TGIF? Yes. My sleep has been awful the past two nights. I can't even count how many times I woke up throughout the night. I'm beyond excited to have a nice sleep tonight for as long as I like, not worrying about that 5:30 alarm. :)

I've been so happy with myself appearance-wise for the last week. I hope it lasts, my days go so much better when I feel good about myself.

Things are pretty peachy. The only bad thing about when things are going good is that there isn't much to talk about. When you're sad you have plenty of thoughts and whatnot to pour out, whereas when you're happy, what's there really to say?

I'm pretty happy with how I've been keeping up with things. I've been doing great on my reading. I haven't quit on the picture-a-day project (http://lexaeveryday.tumblr.com , btw.) School's good. My nail biting has gotten better. Everything seems good.

I'm looking forward to that nap with him tomorrow.:)

locked doors?

Running and running, longing
for some way out. Desperate
for an escape, but

you can't

seem to find one. There's no
where left to look. There's
no place left to

run.

Longing to disappear, trying
to fade into the distance.
I just want to get

away.

intoxication;

Your eyes shine so bright
they could light up a dark
room. You intoxicate me
with just one kiss that I

don't

ever want to end. Your hands
over mine; our fingers link
together, ever so tightly I
know you won't ever

let

me fall. My head starts to
spin; my heart starts to
race. My eyes slowly open to
your disappearing face. You kiss
me goodbye, but it can't be time to

go.

First poem in a whiiiiile.

Tricks

Was really good. Can't believe I read 625 pages in one day. You know a book is good when not only can you not put it down, you actually feel yourself in the book too.

Two down, forty-eight to go.

Go Ask Alice

WHAT? *spoiler alert* How could she have just died like that? Her life was getting so back on track and she was doing so well. I just don't understand. Was the overdose on purpose, or did the people that messed with her before do it to her? It's weird to think about. What if that had happened to me? What if I had never decided to get my life back together? Her bad trip (well, and her visit at the insane asylum) was the end of her drug abuse. What if I'd never had a bad trip, would I have kept messing with stuff like that? Could I have died? It's so weird to think that if just one little thing had gone differently, I may not even be alive right now.Overall, the book was good. It was a pretty easy read obviously, I pulled off 215 pages in under twelve hours, while obviously doing many other things throughout the day as well. I felt I could relate to a lot of it. The ending just really has me in suspsense. I want to know what happened to her, and how Joel is holding up, and what went on with her family afterward. I have a love/hate relationship wtih books that just leave you hanging like that. That's how I want the ending of the book(s) I write to be. I want to leave someone at the edge of their seat, perhaps praying for a sequal. I'd definitely settle to just have people think about it, though, even if it was just for a few minutes. One book down, forty-nine to go.

January Forth.

3:09 PM.
I'm sitting on my bed and I'm already going crazy. I've realized I can't even access my bookmarks offline now, this sucks. I was going to go for a walk despite the fact that it's brutally cold outside, but my stomach kind of hurts so I think I'm just going to sit in my room with not much to do. I've already finished half of my book, and I'm somehow going to have to make it last me until tomorrow morning. Luckily I can still type on word and post these tomorrow morning at school, I'm so glad this site is not blocked by the ridiculous monitoring system that acts like we're five. Maybe this can be my escape. At least I know now with all this going on that I've definitely got a headstart on my 365 posts for 2010.

3:51 PM.
"Now that I have a goal I feel a lot stronger myself." So true.

4:48 PM.
I discovered that my progress report came God only knows when. It was good. I don't understand why Mr. K always puts 80-89 when I really have like a 97 in his class. Maybe he's one of those teachers that just puts that for all the people passing. Maybe I'll ask him tomorrow.

5:40 PM.
My stomach feels so vacant, grumbling and begging for food, yet my mind is so full and has more fuel than ever. I never thought I'd have so many thoughts racing through my head while using Descartes Rule of Signs to the point where I rush to get it done just to jot them all down.
It feels like life is going fast and slow at the same time. Like each moment is speeding by, yet looking back it seems as though they've all dragged on. I'm not quite sure how it's possible for time to go fast and slow at the same time. Maybe that's why they tell you to seize the moment, maybe nobody knows for sure how time goes by the way it does.
I've always thought of bad things happening to me as a sign of God trying to punish me. Normally I'd feel like being stranded in my room with no connection to the outside world except books full of the thoughts of others as a punishment for doing something wrong. But this time I feel like maybe the world is speaking to me in an unsual way. Maybe it's a sign that I have to stop being so dependent on the presence of others constantly. Maybe a reminder that I'm okay; a reminder that I am, in fact, stable enough to be alone for a little while. Maybe it's a sign that it's time to be alone with my thoughts, maybe I'm supposed to get to know myself better right now by digging deep into my head and heart to see what's going on in them. I don't think I've ever been so content in a time of a bad situation. Maybe the key to life really is the eyes you look through. The situtation I'm in right now could easily seem absolutely awful ot just about anybody, but with the outlook I have, it doesn't seem half bad as of now. I'm confident in the fact that I've got a pretty solid head on my shoulders.
I don't remember when the last time I've written so much was. And I know the night isn't even near over, my thoughts are just waking up.
I knew all I needed was a book.

6:04 PM.
I know you're not supposed to try and interfere with fate, but I hope it isn't wrong to simply question it. I wonder how people are selected for certain things. Obviously in the end, when it comes to strength this world is usually like a survival of the fittest type thing. But how are the fit people selected to be the ones faced with challenges? Some people never have to really face anything super difficult, while for some people difficulty is all they know. I just wonder how people are chosen to be the fit, potential strong ones. I know I'm going to be strong, one of the strongest ones out there. I already am stronger than I thought I'd ever be, and I'm only getting stronger with each and every day that passes by. I think strength is one of the best feelings in the world.

6:29 PM.
Okay I have to admit, boredom is slightly starting to kick in. I wish I at least had TV or something. You know, it's kind of sad how dependent on technology we are today. It's like without internet or cell phones, we're all a mess. I can understand that we're bored, but we should at least be able to function without this stuff. I'd be totally fine right now if I happened to have a few books that I haven't already read. I think that if everything and everyone in my life failed me, I'd still kind of be content with living in a cute little place alone for the rest of my life, with my nose in a book and a never ending supply of paper and pens nearby. I never really realized how much of a bookworm I am until I actually recently started craving books. I'm looking forward to returning to the library tomorrow morning. I think I may take out two books this time, so that at least I'll have something to do tomorrow evening.

7:05 PM.
While still waiting for dinner, I've had nothing to do but stare at my ceiling and reflect more on Go Ask Alice. Even though the narrator was a fictional character, I actually do feel a connection with her. Okay, so a lot of it does seem like her fault. But her first trip, the drugs were slipped into her drink, and the first high is what had her wanting more. Seeking trying it a few more times was her choice, yes, but I still feel bad for her. Once you're on drugs, any type of drugs, it's incredibly hard to just stop and live a sober life happily. You can't just throw away your escape like that. She was a lost soul and I feel bad for her. Sadly I almost even know how she feels.
I think I'm going to bed early tonight.

8:39 PM.
I'm officially bored out of my mind, but I'm not to the point of frustration due to boredum yet. It is absoultely frigid in here. I can barely feel my toes or fingers. I still really want a book to read. I found my old Victoria's Secret bag in the side of my closet while looking for my Nintendo 64, which incidentally I did not find. It still had some old folders and papers from the beginning of last year. I somehow found myself desperate enough to occupy my time that I sat and read the courses offered book basically from start to finish.
Dinner was good and I think I'm going to exercise soon, once I stop being lazy. I'm really, really, REALLY praying that I have an afternoon off for midterms that will work for Ms. C. I want more than anything to see her. I feel like lately between everytime I see her I change so much, but in a good way for once. Although sometimes she doesn't blatantly express things like this, I know she'll be proud of who I've become. I'm generally not a pour-my-heart-out type of person, but I've made damn sure that she knows everything she's done for me and how much I appreciate her guidance.
Now I think I'm kind of just babbling on, but I don't think I'm really complaining about it much. I just haven't used this writing style in ages. I try too much to focus on wording my "interesting" thoughts in a well-organized, sophisticated manner. I think I need to do something like this more; I need to start just letting out whatever is on my mind and if it happens to form a beautiful literary work, that's fabulous, and if not...so be it.
I found my yearbook from seventh grade and was looking through it. It's actually kind of weird when you stop and think about people. You know, how they come, how they go, etc. School is the most contact we will have with huge bodies of people probably ever, as well as for such an extended period of time. We're so adjusted to the people around us that we probably don't even take the time to notice their presence. It's weird that in just under a year and a half, the majority of these people will just be distant memories, if even that.

9:10 PM.
You never realize what things can come to sometimes. If I'd been online right now, I never would have searched my closet for that Nintendo 64. I never would have found my red belt, or my soft lips lip balm. Most importantly, twenty minutes after finding my old bag, I never would have found my old (favorite, by the way) wallet..that just so happened to have eleven dollars in it. I've spent the last good fiteen minutes searching my entire room and gathering change. From now on, every penny I get, is being saved. No more spending unneccesary money. I'll spend what I have to and save each and every other penny for now. At least until I get a job, then maybe I'll treat myself once in a while. I never thought things would be to the point where eleven dollars makes my entire night.

9:53 PM.
So much for an early night. At least I know I'll fall asleep early. The taste of toothpaste has turned my stomach. I'm feeling overwhelmed by a sense of peacefulness; it's pretty nice. I'm hoping this feeling lasts and I still feel nice in the morning. Oh, I'm doing that picture-a-day thing for 2010 and so far I'm keeping up with it quite well. I don't think I'll share it, though, until things get fixed and I'll get to upload the ones I'm doing over the next x amount of days.
Goodnight, world.

stop my breathing in the night when you're not there;

It's crazy how something that has seemed so distant can just come rushing back at me.
It's crazy how the love can just pump back through my veins, causing a rush and knots in my stomach.
It's crazy how my heart speeds up and slows down for him at the same time.
It's crazy how I feel our hearts, together, beating as one.

This year is treating me pretty nicely so far. I'm happy for so many reasons. :)

I want to have a productive day with time for relaxation. I'm going to try and get everything done early. For once I can honestly say that this break did not speed by at all. Hopefully Monday morning I can feel refreshed rather than go to school all groggy like I usually do after eleven days off.



Like the rising tide,
beating hearts grow but never die
To simplify, I'll stand by your side,
close my eyes, hope will never die

i'll keep you my dirty little secret;

I must say that I'm quite content with the fact that I've had over a straight week now of undisturbed, genuine happiness. It feels good to actually be happy. :)

I'm going to start my reading today. I'm still not sure if my first book (obviously a reread) is going to be Twilight or The Secret. The only reason I'm opposed to Twilight is because it's only been a year since I've read it, whereas The Secret, it's been almost two years since I've read the whole thing. I don't know if I want to read The Secret, though, because it's not even really a book. It's just little secrets and philosophies on how to be happy, and I'm not sure I see the point in reading that while I already am happy. Who knows.

I'm glad things seem to be getting better between us. It was getting to the point where I couldn't handle the stress and arguing again, but that seems to have cleared up for a good almost two weeks now.

Oh, and I found something to be excited about. Midterms are in a few weeks! Which means, that I get to pay a visit to Ms. C. :)

Life is pretty good.

this is how the beat drops;

Hello, 2010!
Here's to a new year! So far I'm really feeling this year. I'm eager about keeping my resolutions, and just overall having a great year.

I need to try and get as much homework done as possible today, I wanna leave tomorrow and Sunday free of work. The only thing that's really going to be a problem are these stupid multiple choice questions.



I'm ready for you, 2010.