complicated

I want things to look up for me.

something in the way

Today is like a sad song. The overall gloominess forms each chord, strummed with such emotion that you can't help but get knots in your stomach and kinda stop your movement when you hear it. The rain is just the icing on the cake, the beautifully sad voice that accompanies each sad, sloppy chord.

If I had a nice, grassy yard, I'd go sit right in the midst of nature's cry. It's not even necessarily being sad, I just want to feel the rain.

My emotions may as well be a bag of Chex Mix today, so scattered about and random. I'm happy; I love rainy weekends and will most likely get to hang out with my best friend for the first time in a while. I'm sad, I'm making Thomas sad. I'm confused; I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, but it sure seems that way. I wonder if this is normal.

If I could drive, I'd just drive and drive for hours today in this lovely rain.

every rose has its thorn

I feel like I'm at a resting point, thought wise.
Things are going well, quite well. Other than feeling slightly overwhelmed with work, there's nothing much to even complain about anymore..well, semi-worth complaining about, at any rate.

Have you ever wondered what it's like to be the last one standing? I'm not sure if it would be scary or exciting--probably an unfriendly mixture of both.

Confession: I'm growing really excited. Two weeks to go.

throw it all away

I officially give up on Hard Love. I'm only halfway through it, but it sucks and I'm not wasting my time. Boo. :[

Tomorrow makes me happy.

falling down

I've been torn up many times, but I'd always known how to sew. Threads upon threads stitched through me, in and out. But what about when one old thread breaks, then they all snap? Old holes that were once patched are now open wounds, gushing with pain.

If today isn't the definition of a roller coaster, I don't know what is. I'm just waiting to be turned upside down and dangled there for a while, feeling all the blood flow right to my brain.

It's probably impossible, having emotions that each one is an oxymoron of another, just contradicting each other over and over. I'm not sure if it's even possible to be happy and sad at the same time, but I am. I feel stressed and tense, yet calm and at peace. I confuse myself, too, don't worry.


Show me what it's like to be the last one standing
Teach me wrong from right, and I'll show you what I can be
And say it for me; Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me



Would you follow me?

so nice

Things do seem to have a really, really weird way of working out.

the perks of being a wallflower

After having it for only about 36 hours, I finished reading Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I can't even explain how great it was-- definitely borderline my favorite book. Although Charlie is a guy, he is still my age, and though it was 1991-1992, he was still easy to relate to. The diary-ish format of the book really structured it well and made it easy to form a connection with Charlie. I actually felt sad when the book ended; I felt like I had formed a friendship with Charlie, and when the book ended I felt as if our friendship did too. The only thing I couldn't understand is why Charlie cried so much. Overall, amazing book.

boats and birds

The sky and the trees penetrated my vision as I glared out that second floor window. It wasn't just any sky, or any trees. The sky was a surprisingly beautiful shade of cadet blue; the trees various heights, shapes, and shades of green; the pure, white clouds miles and miles in the distance. I was lost in though. Lost in thought about what's out there. This world has much to offer, each and every part of this world has something unique to offer. What do these trees and these clouds and this sky have to offer? Where are they? Perhaps one could travel forever, exploring the nature of miles on end, and still never reach them...

Today is different. The air is sweet and cool. My mind is a happy type of relaxed. The environment fully suites my mood, like the sun on the day of a parade or the rain on a day like 9/11. I feel alive. I know it sounds slightly,insane, I know you're thinking "but everyone's alive." But it's not what I mean. I really feel alive. I know what it's like to be alive yet feel dead. Stuff like that makes you treasure feeling full of life so much more.

Confession: I could get used to this.

how you remind me

"We accept the love we think we deserve." I've never thought about it like that, but in reality, it is true. All the supposed "love" I've ever welcomed with open arms in the past, has been at a time when the love I had for myself was pretty scarce. If Thomas were to ever try and offer me that now, I wouldn't accept it in a thousand years. Nobody in a bad relationship ever has high self esteem, ever. It's crazy how true those eight words are.

Confession: I never thought I'd be at this point today.

beautiful day

Three words to describe myself right now: "I am happy."
It's nice to be able to say that.

:]

two become one

Like a sun kissed ocean, so calm and gleaming, I feel my heart skip a few beats here and there as I look up into those eyes that have the perfect mix of the most amazing shades of blue and green. My heartbeat coincides with his, as our lips meet in the most perfect way. A feeling of wholeness takes over my mind and body.

I can't explain how whole I felt last night. Laying there, arm in arm, laughing, watching that movie. As our arms were linked, I felt our hearts linked as well. It was perfect, even if I was starting to fall asleep. Or how perfect his cake was, it honestly tasted better than any homemade chocolate cake I've ever had. It was like I could taste the love in every bite.

We may argue, we may fight, but we are undoubtedly crazy in love.





Confession: I always think either too little or too much.

i can feel you all around me

Time is drifting by like the cars on a busy road. No stopping, no slowing down; just moving and moving forever.

I can't explain how perfect my mood is today. Excited is an understatement when it comes to seeing Thomas today. I swear I fell more in love with him after reading his letter, it was perfect. Especially the ending: "You're my world, my everything. In a way, you are life itself to me. And as I end this letter, let me just tell you that I love you. Now, look up, and answer this question out loud to me, yes or no will do: Will you, Lexa Carnelli, in a few years from now, take my hand in marriage? That question is serious, so take it seriously. ave a great birthday babe, and enjoy life, I know you make me do." If we were not in public when I read that, I seriously would have bawled my eyes out. It was so perfect, the way he worded it, everything. I never knew he was so serious about all of this, and this letter was definitely reassuring. As long as he was serious about that question, then my life is complete, cause I want nothing more. I really look forward to part two.

Yesterday Ms. Cohen-Willard said something very thought provoking for me. She said there is a novel in me, waiting to be written, and she's right. I don't know how or when, but this novel will be written. I can feel the words and images just building up inside, all waiting to be released as a beautifully disastrous story.

I feel peaceful.

happy birthday?

If it wasn't for him I think I'd quit. :/

enjoy this drive

Ay carumba.
I at least got this thing to start up, I'm hoping it stops having this mind baffling malfunction and just works for me.

I'm so excited for tomorrow. Sixteen, a new chapter of my life.

I have no time at the moment.

god called in sick today

My mind is filled to maximum capacity, but everything is in list form. It's kind of weird.

Last night while attempting to sleep, my last thoughts consisted of things I'm looking forward to.
1. Birthday. While part of me wants to stay young and never grow up, the other part of me is feeling quite adventurous and is excited. Sixteen is more than just a year older than fifteen, it brings many opportunities that I've never had before. I can drive, I can work at many more places, I can donate blood. So many things require you to be sixteen. I'm also tired of three hundred and sixty something days of being fifteen.

2. School. Yes, school already started, but I mean I'm excited for school to really start. I'm excited to start learning and proving to myself how great at school I can really be. I'm also really looking forward to clubs starting. I'm not clear what exactly I'm joining yet, but something.

3. Autumn. I cannot explain the joy that pumps through my veins like blood on speed on those Fall mornings. I love everything about Fall.

4. Halloween. After not doing anything on Halloween in eighth grade, I've completely abolished the idea of staying home on Halloween ever again. I want to get a nice costume and enjoy the day with Thomas and whoever else happens to be there. I've also been a weak trick-or-treater the past few years, I've got some making up for it to do.

5. Anniversary. Not only is this just a few weeks short of being my longest relationship, I've never reached a year before at all and I'm really excited to do so. I have so many things in mind that I'm going to do with him for our anniversary. It's going to be really special.

6. The Christmas Season. Need I say more? I don't think I can find many people that celebrate Christmas but don't look forward to the season. The joy, the rush at the mall, the decorations, the music, the excuse to eat like a pig for a whole month. I love it all. Believe it or not I love to give, so the season of giving is great for me.

I'm stopping at six because after Christmas is over, winter sucks and I'd rather not think about the few months of hardly anything good that come before Spring.


I've been thinking a lot about careers lately. I know for sure I want to be a psychologist, but I still have a few careers I'd be alright with falling back on. Well, while I'm on my odd little list episode this afternoon:
1. Elementary school teacher. It was simply always my childhood dream. I'd always wanted to teach somewhere around fifth grade level, but I'd be okay with anything elementary really. It's not too difficult of a job, and you get sick vacations so you save a lot on babysitters.
2. English teacher. Out of all the single-subjects, English is by far the most appealing to me. I love to read and write. I also realized I could be an English teacher when the second Kelly asked me to tell her what I thought of her letter for the courts, the first thing I noticed was grammatical errors and poor sentence structure.
3. Computer programmer/designer. I've always been really good with computers. Whether it be fixing my own or screwing around with HTML for endless websites, it's always been something that has just clicked right into my brain. Pretty good money, also.
There are a few other careers that slightly fascinate me, but not enough to the point where I'd be passionate about doing it.

To complete my lists, I'll share three reasons Thomas is awesome.
1. He's made me feel so appreciated lately. Even the smallest little compliments he gives me or the way he sweet talks me in regular conversation just melts my heart like ice cream on a hot Summer day.
2. He's someone that is actually willing to have intellectual conversations with me.
3. We somehow clique really well. We seem to disagree on a lot of things, yet we have so much in common that I almost feel we're the same person with identical emotions sometimes.

I'm happy. :]

Confession: I actually really like this beaded bracelet I made last night.

wonder what's next

The other day for our assignment in English, Matt asked me a thought provoking question: "What makes you different?" At first, I truly could not formulate an answer, but after a lot of though, I've come up with quite a lot.

One year ago, there would be no clear answer to this question, because the 'different' I strived for was more like trying to blend into everyone else's 'different'. Now, however, the answer is endless. I'm different because I'm me; I've grown into a remarkable young lady with great physical features that mesh together perfectly with my amazing personality--an individual with strength that could alone conquer the world, and that no one could duplicate no matter how much effort was put in. I've got my own talents, my own style, my own interests. I'm different because I regret nothing, I learn from my mistakes and fully embrace the lessons I've learned. I'm different because I have my own mind to think with and my own voice to speak with. I see the world through two observative eyes and analyze all of my surroundings rather than taking them for granted and passing them by. I'm different because rather than attempting to find myself within a sea of other fish that are nearly the same, I've created myself and jumped into my own little pond. I'm different because I'm me: not him, not you, not her--me, and will always be and fully love the person I see in the mirror each day.

clarity

I've been specifically interested in humans as a whole recently. What is it that makes us different? What is it that makes us the same? Upon trying to find things we all have in common, other than obvious anatomical features and the inevitable similarities, I've also stumbled upon one similarity: we're all waiting for something. Whether it be waiting for our favorite show to come on in an hour, for a phone call, for someone to come over, or even for it to be time to go home, we are all waiting for one thing or another.

My brain feels overcrowded with thoughts that are potentially good but they're refusing to come out. It's frustrating.

Confession: I feel myself slowly giving up on faith again.

no lies, just love

Chills run down my spine and a smile takes over my face with each word he speaks to me. I never imagined love to be so powerful; it's poweful enough to take on the devil and still win by a long shot. Our love will take us incredible places, I know it.
I love him, I really do.


<3

Confession: I'll stand by your side no matter what.

amazing because it is

What's outside my window hasn't been only bright thing lately. So happily gleaming, just a huge ray of sunshine waiting to impact the world. The sun and I do, in fact, have something in common.

Ask yourself this: what is life without a fight? Will you ever really know yourself if you don't battle yourself sometimes? If you never push your supposed boundaries, how will you ever really know where they are? I've been all about pushing boundaries and challenging my mind lately, and it's had nothing but a magnificent impact on me.

Things truly do have a mysteriously mind boggling way of working out in the end.



Confession: This is by far the hardest I have ever pushed myself.

tilting the hourglass

I'm not sure if it's possible to feel much happier than I do at the moment. My mind is great. My heart is even better. I'm so happy. I'm so happy with school, with Thomas, with everything.

if i could teach the world

So many things have changed throughout the years. People, family, myself. One thing, though, has yet to change. That is the excitement that fills my soul the evening before the first day of school. With the rate that everything else changes, it is rather refreshing to have those few things that just always remain the same.

What lives inside of my head is currently an open book, just waiting for someone to pick it up and read it. Not just to skim the pages, not to read selective parts--but to actually sit there and read each word, embracing each sentence, each paragraph as if it were written just for them.

My nerd mode is fully kicked in and ready to fire off like a rocketship soaring into outer space. I hope I have some kind of homework tomorrow, not much, perhaps just a small assignment to get back into the hang of school and to grasp the jist of the class.

Have you ever listened to a song on repeat for hours on end? It's like with each time the song is played, it sounds different. It sounds like the singer is singing to you more and more each time, just hoping to impact your mind and lift your soul.

I'm going to color in my Christmas coloring book while I wait for dinner. :]

don't fear the reaper

You know what's crazy? This world has over six billion people, each one different in their own way. Six billion pairs of eyes with their own way of viewing this same world we all see. Six billion minds with six billion sets of opinions and views about one common world. Imagine getting to know six billion different people.



After hearing some of the stuff from Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong, it really got me thinking. How many false facts are we fed? How many false opinions are formed? Will we ever really know anything for sure? Life is so mysterious.



Sometimes I want to do the impossible. I want to do what nobody expects me to do; I want to do what everyone tells me I can't or I won't do. Just to prove everyone wrong, just to prove to everyone that I can do anything. I am capable of anything. The world is in the palm of my hands.



The air so cool and calm, with the scent of Autumn approaching. I'm so excited for the fall. The leaves, the weather, the vibe. Everything.



Confession: I hate waking up early, but I love mornings.