and as the summer's ending

In less than forty-eight hours, I will be on the bus on my way to my first day of junior year. I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm happy, I'm sad. I'm so mixed about it. I feel quite changed, though, since sophomore year. I feel as if I've really grown as an individual over this summer. My views, my personality, my mind, my heart-- they've all changed enormously since last year. This year will be different, it will be incredible. My year.



Love is the most mysterious yet beautiful thing to exist in this world. It is the most precious gift anyone could ever give someone, but there is still no true definition of it. I've spent time on Google trying to find an accurate definition, but none of them even come close to explaining the love I feel-- it doesn't hit the tip of the iceberg whatsoever.



I feel at peace. I'm not sure if it's with myself, with what's around me, with life, who knows. I just know I feel peaceful and alive.



Confession: Perhaps daily confessions can help me find myself more.

so give me black lights

Do you ever wonder why things fall into place the way that they do? I do. I often wonder, maybe too much. I wonder why certain people pop up for a short period of time, and why certain people seem to make it with you for a while. Regardless, everything does happen for some reason or another, it just makes me wonder what exactly those reasons are.

Each goodbye is getting harder and harder. I'm not sure why. I can't explain how much in the back of my mind I fear losing him. I know he's not going anywhere, but it still scares me. He's my everything, literally. Without him I'm not sure I'd be okay..at all.

and i know that youre a sucker for anything acoustic

A neverending circle of blurry, unwordable thoughts traveling at the speed of light on a cloudy day. I've felt busy and overwhelmed yet I haven't even had too much on my plate.

School is around the corner and I don't want to read my packet with those short stories. I'll probably do it later or tomorrow.

My thoughts are already gone, I fail.

an old book misread

When people are asked where the largest scar on their body is, they usually point to their knee or their arm, or someplace visible. Not me, my biggest scar is deep inside, deep in my heart. I've loved, I've trusted, I've given the benefit of the doubt, I've given my all, for what? To have it thrown back in my face. I've put my entire heart, soul, and faith into things to not have it returned gently, but to have it thrown in my face, smash the ground, and be stomped on.

Maybe I'm too vulnerable, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm too weak, or too strong. Maybe it isn't me at all.

Life is mysterious.

P.S.: I love Thomas with every ounce of my heart.

i cant stay too long, am i wrong?

I feel kind of stupid now. I don't regret it, not at all, just feeling kind of low. For once I completely get where they're coming from. And it isn't worth losing each other over.

I'm upset.

creative title

My mind is a huge jumble. I don't really like it.

sell your soul

A huge blur is what my past has seemed like lately. I couldn't understand why. While the past is the past, I kind of wanted to truly remember it and not be so numb to it. I truly realize that everything happens for a reason, cause right now I have this uncomfortable pain in my chest as this blur cleared up for the evening. I feel it so much. I feel many of the wounds that were left unhealed, and many of the tensions from situations that were never fully addressed. It hurts. I understand why it's generally blurry. I'm glad I don't have to feel this everyday.

My thought process frustrates me. I had so many good thoughts before, but now they're gone. I'm going to do some laundry tomorrow.

i talk too much to myself

My thoughts have slightly been M.I.A. Even now they're racing around at about a hundred miles per hour, with no intentions on stopping, either.

I can't believe I was ever scared of babies. After getting so close with Brianna, I've realized just how beautiful and innocent they are. I love that baby so much, really. She has the most striking blue eyes and the cutest smile ever. She's growing up too fast, though. I don't want her to get big.

I've been abnormally interested in religion lately. I just want to study as many views and beliefs as I can. I really want to see other peoples' opinions, and also see where I may stand. Though I'm not a big supporter on organized religion, it's still interesting, and I want to figure out my beliefs toward the whole God thing.

I don't have any interesting thoughts, really.

wake up at dawn and ask her why

Like a calm, cool ocean. So still, yet so peaceful. Kind of too peaceful though. I wish there was something there. Just something.



I admit, I have a love for handmade bracelets. I now have a new anklet for each ankle, and two new bracelets on my left wrist. My new favorite one took forever though. That stitch takes entirely too long, so it will probably be a one time thing.

People take too much for granted. You really don't know what you've got til it's gone. I think one of the crappiest feelings are realizing you took something for granted. I came across pictures from last summer, in my favorite purple room with the perfectly collaged wall. I'd kill to have that back, for real.

Some day you will find me
Caught beneath a landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky

I wish I were tired. I don't want to be up at 12:45 in the morning anymore. Bleh.

I really want cereal. Cookie Crisp, Cocoa Puffs, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, anything that isn't that nasty wheat stuff we have. Boo to no good cereal.



I feel like I have something I wanted to do, but I for the life of me can not remember what. My memory is failing me bigtime.

not fair.

This is not a choice. I don't care what anyone says, this is not a choice. I just want someone to understand. I wish I was choosing this, really.

the wind picked up, the fire spread

This weird chill travels down my spine at the speed of light. I can't explain where it came from or why it's here. It feels good yet bad. Exciting yet scary.


My nails are a really nice purple. It's called wild plum, I found it in the bathroom last night. Let's see how long it lasts before I bite them and it chips. :/



I truly am a walking contradiction. I'm trying to figure it out, but at the same time I'm trying not to.

I think these are my best moods, the happy yet sad ones. I'm usually most bubbly and compassionate when there's a tiny bit of sadness there. It's generally when it's stemming from reminiscence though. Maybe I end up with a touch of who I used to be. Who knows.

I really want to go chalking. I just want to decorate a whole entire parking lot with random drawings. I wonder if I could even stir up enough creativity to do so. I'm going to find out someday. Whether it's solo or with the help of someone else, I'm going to treat a nice parking lot to my creative mind.

The sunlight beaming off my hair looks cool right now. My hair looks about twelve different shades of brown and auburn and it's slightly pretty. It actually looks kind of like a penny.


Confession: Sometimes the rainbow is better than the pot of gold.
<3

i'm losing it;

Sometimes its really hard. It's hard to manage my emotions. It's hard to be the emotional brick wall that everyone is expected to be nowadays. It's hard to deal with things on my own. It's hard to pretend I don't care. It's just hard.

I never realized how much I love Brianna. I loved feeding her for the first time tonight. She's so beautiful.

I'm scared. I don't know why.

Confession: I'm really looking forward to my twisted frosty from Wendy's.

amor vincit omnia

I can't even explain it, really. Everything is so perfect now. Anything and everything that was ever broken was fixed tonight and I can't even explain how it happened.
I know this is the end of all our problems. I can feel it in my heart that once again our love conquered something. There is no doubt in my mind that this is meant to be. Fate brought us together for a reason. No matter how much things suck for us, we always seem to have each other, and an unbreakable love for one another. We're perfect, forget what anyone else says.
I love him. I love him. I love him. I really do.


Confession: I'm so glad tonight happened.

Currently listening to:
Metallica - Nothing Else Matters

your heart was dying fast, and you didnt know what to do

I never realized how much I actually do like getting up early. I feel so much more refreshed, and I even got nearly nine hours of sleep. I love the feel of morning -- the cool, quiet air and the birds chirping away. I'm going to miss summer mornings. Luckily I love autumn mornings.

I'm in one of those reminiscent moods again; one of those moods where listening to a song can make me feel the way I felt the first time I heard it. It's weird yet cool. I feel like I'm living in a mixture of memories and who I am now. It's amazing what our minds are capable of.

I'm a war of head versus heart
It's always this way
My head is weak
My heart always speaks
Before I know what it will say

I know its nearly impossible to go by what's said, but I'm not sure if I like the idea of getting rid of my desktop for a laptop. I'm kind of used to this, but maybe I'll like a laptop better. Who knows, it's probably not going to happen since nothing ever does anyway.

I've always wondered what makes two people compatible. What makes it possible for two people to fall head over heels in love with someone, flaws and all? What I wonder more is how two people that were once compatible no longer are. How can you go from spending every second with or talking to someone to suddenly not having them be a part of your life at all? The craziest part is sometimes you don't even notice it happening.


Let's take a risk.


Let's fly away.


Let's feel the rain.


Let's love each other unconditionally.

Confession: I'm high on life.

it doesn't even matter, nothing else matters

Spontaneous excitement fills my soul this evening. I'm not even sure what or why I'm excited for, I just am. I guess it's a mixture of a lot of things. I'm excited for my present, I'm excited for my future. I'm excited for everything I know I can be. I'm just excited.

Tonight was great. I really have no specific reasons for it being great, it just was. I had the yummest McChicken, hot fudge sundae, and cheesy potatoes. I also turned in probably the lousiest excuse for an essay I've ever come up with. I don't even care though. I tried, and I'm on top of the world regardless. This is great. Happiness is great.

As deep as the abyss where the waters run
As deep as the land of the rising sun
You know I'm down
And even when them odds are against us
It doesn't even matter
Nothing else matters

I love the setting right now. The darkness, the exact right song, and the typing on the keyboard. For some strange reason, I've always loved the sound of typing on a keyboard. I guess I actually do have a lot of weird, random things about me. I want someone to learn and love every single one of them someday.

You know what I hate? Flies, and how persistant they are. I hate the way they land on the computer screen and keep coming back no matter how many times you nearly kill them. They never learn. It's weird how some people are the same exact way. Keep on doing something and doing something, regardless of how bad it is or whatever the consequence may be.

I always get really nervous when Killian barks like crazy at night. I always feel like someone is here to kill us. I clearly worry myself entirely too much.

I feel like tonight I could just keep going on and on with a million random, pointless thoughts.

I've been slightly questioning fate lately. I still believe in it one hundred percent, I just wonder how it works. I wonder how certain people are selected to go through certain things; how these reasons for everything happening even come to be. I have too many questions.


I want to do something crazy.


I want to go on a roadtrip.


I want to go somewhere new.


Confession: I've never been more excited.

Currently listening to:
Trik Turner - Friends And Family

it seems unreal

You're on my mind as I eat this oatmeal raisin cookie; you loved raisins. You've been on my mind a lot lately. I can't wait to get my birthday present soon, I know you'd really love it. I hope you're okay. <3

My mind is calm and content this evening, though I have many questions in my head unanswered. Maybe some things are supposed to be left that way. Maybe it's up to us to translate and interpret things into whatever way that floats our boat. Maybe.

I often get a bit down after cleaning my room once I realize I have nobody to see it. It looks nice in here and it's nice and cold. My bed is made and my sheets are so comfy. I wish I had someone to share this with once in a blue moon, preferrably him. I wish things were different.

It's weird how things fall into place; how someone that was once a part of you is now nothing but a distant memory. It's crazy how memories that were once so clear now seem so unreal, to the point where you begin to question if they were just a dream. Everything seems that way for me now. Anything that happened before January seems that way to me, nothing but a distant, barely even real memory.



Confession: Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.

Currently listening to:
Pantera - Cemetery Gates

waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Time is flying at the speed of light. I'm barely even able to keep track of the dates anymore. I kind of just want it to stop, or at least slow down for a bit.

My thoughts are scattered about. None of them are linking together whatsoever; I just have so many random thoughts floating around that make no sense. I kind of hate moods like this. I'd much rather be able to make sense of what I'm thinking, or even keep track of it, for that matter.

I'm beginning to realize that things are probably not going to get better, for a while, anyway. Rather than praying for them to improve, I think maybe I'll just start praying for strength. I don't know. I'm confusing myself lately. So much time home is throwing my mental stability out of sorts.

I've really got to get my sleep schedule normal, well actually no; I've got to develop a sleep schedule in general.

My fingers are currently hideous because of my outrageously frustrating habit. I can not seem to stop biting my nails no matter how hard I try. It's such a stupid habit and I can't seem to break it. My nail polish is always chipping because of it, too. :[

I think I'm going to watch Comedy Central, since I found my remote today.


Confession: Sometimes I really believe I'll never completely figure myself out.

Currently listening to:
Pink Floyd - Time

think about the good things no matter what they say

As the bright sun glares through my window, cramps and all, I sit here happily.
The birds seem happy, too, chirping in the nice cool, calm air.
I can feel that today is going to be a good day. I'll make damn sure of it.

I'll admit, I'm actually upset about Thomas' season being one game away from over. At the beginning of the season, I didn't care much for baseball. Now, only a little less than two months later, I've actually really started to like it and enjoy watching it. I no longer think his hobby is boring, and I actually love seeing him in his uniform with a smile on his face.

So many happy thoughts are floating around my mind and I can't pick which ones to take note of. I'm feeling excited. I can't pinpoint exactly whatfor; I think it's mostly just life. I'm excited for school, in a way, because I'm deadset on making this my year to prove to myself how much I'm capable of. I'm excited for my birthday, as well. I'm looking forward to getting my permit, even if I don't have a car; I kind of see it as another form of independence. I'm just so stoked for so many things.

I never want this mood to go away.



Confession: I believe our love will conquer the world and take us incredible places.

Currently listening to:
Butch Walker - Take tomorrow

august needs to

Take a chill pill and slow down, seriously.
Though I'm excited in a way for a new school year and a new beginning, I'm not ready for ten months of hard work just yet.

I don't know why exactly, but I'm feeling stressed again. I think I need a day to just chill and relax; a day to lay in bed and watch funny movies or something.



Confession: It's getting harder and harder;
I'm scared I can't do it on my own.

i just wanted to say,

that I am on top of the world.

happy monday.

I've been quite into horoscopes recently. I've noticed that they're at least partially true for me about ninety percent of the time. I wish I understood where they came from and what they really mean. Maybe I'll look into it.

I still have some leftover butterflies from Saturday. It was a perfect day. I'm so happy I decided to get over my ridiculous dancing fear and just dance with him, it was fantastic. He's fantastic. I just feel so right with his family, like I'm supposed to be there. I'm so lucky.

With only a month of summer remaining, I realize how much I've got left to do. Well, kind of. I cut my bangs last night and I'm pretty sure I like them. If I decide otherwise, well, that's why man made bobby pins and headbands. I'm going to get some more clothes tomorrow, and I'm going to do more shopping again within the next few weeks also, so I'm not overly concerned about clothes. I definitely want to get my tattoo the week before school starts, so that way it has time to heal and I won't be uncomfortable writing.

I'm happy.
:]


Confession: I like McDonalds apple pies a bit too much.

Currently listening to:
Fabolous ft. The Dream - Throw It In The Bag

maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away

Up, down; Up, down; Up, down. Even at a high point, like now, I can't say I'm thrilled about this insane emotional roller coast I've been on. I'm happy, I'm sad; I want to live, I want to die. I'm confusing.

Yay for block parties, though.
:]



Confession: I'm a walking contradiction.

Currently listening to:
Aerosmith - Dream On