go away fleas

My mind is more vacant than usual tonight.
I feel really tired. I'll probably go to bed after I write this.
Well, before midnight, anyway.



I'm becoming more content, with everything, for now at least.
My face, my body, everything.
Life seems pretty peachy at the moment.



I really want to write, but my thoughts are a complete blurry mess;
none of them are even relatively complete.
It's mostly just a random thought here and there.
I need to start writing again though.
Hopefully I'm still almost talented.



I smell like Suave cocoa body wash,
and I really need to lay in bed and hopefully gather my thoughts better next time.
<3

Currently listening to:
Michael Jackson - Beat It

down,set,go!

I feel alive.
While today was a complete and utter bore,
it wasn't a total waste.
I actually worked out for a half hour,
turned in my third AP assignment on time,
and got myself two days of Thomas ahead of me. :]



One of the parts I love about summer is clothes shopping.
Today talk of shopping came up and I'm rather stoked.
I can't wait for the change, since the majority of my clothes just aren't me anymore.
Oh, and the fact that my birthday is in fifty five days is pretty cool, also.



Currently watching:
Roseanne
:]

these ideas are nightmares

Can't you see the pain within my eyes?
Never thought it'd be so hard to see past my lies.
Can't you see the hurt behind my smile?
You must be blind to not know it's been there for a while.
Can't you hear the cries in every laugh?
It's not as hard to figure out as rocket science or math.
Can't you hear my cries, can't you see me reaching out?
If you can't see past this surface then you know nothing of what I'm about.




I feel confused.
My head aches as well as my emotions.
I don't know if I have a reason to be so unhappy.
Maybe I'm just cranky.
Maybe I'm just crazy.



Imagine if this is all some crazy dream;
imagine we're just characters in some screwed up dream,
and the second they wake up we all disappear.
Imagine if none of this was real.
Imagine.

Currently listening to:
Eminem - Sing For The Moment

and i promise you this time i'll see it in your eyes

An unusal content feeling fills my soul and mind as I sit here, exhausted.
My eyelids weigh a thousand pounds of sheer happiness.
Things are good, for now at least.



I'm not quite sure what's up with this emotion roller coaster I've been riding lately.
I can't say I like it at all, but I'm trying to fight it.
Luckily I seem to be more up than down.
I can't let myself fall. I just can't.

I'm happy to have this freaking belly ring out of my stomach now.
The more I've thought about it, the dumber and dumber the piercing seemed to begin wtih.
Now I'm stuck with this huge, painful ball of oozy infection above my belly button.
Yuck.

Having finished both assignments due in the next few days has taken a huge weight off my shoulders.
Unfortunately, the exact same weight will return in under a week. Boo.




As much as I really hate the way things are,
I'm trying to remind myself constantly that everything happens for a reason.
And luckily, I've been able to come up with reasons for why each and every thing is happening to me.
While it sucks, maybe it really does all have a common purpose.
Maybe my whole life I've been set in these awful situations where strength and experience has had to pull me through in order to someday help others in the shoes I once wore.
Hopefully my theory is right. I'd like to believe so, anyway.

Thomas is going to yell at me for being up at one thirty in the morning.
Goodnight.

Currently listening to:
Pink Floyd - Another Brick in the Wall

never opened myself this way

I feel like my heart is on a racetrack and my stomach has a butterfly bush planted inside of it.
I seem to be experiencing an increased lack of ability to explain this.



I feel like something about today brought us closer.
I can't put my finger on what, but it was surely something.
I've never experienced this.
I've never experienced what love should feel like;
I've never known what it's like to love and have that love returned.
I've never felt completely attached to someone this way before.
I have to admit it's kinda scary, but the little fright is so worth it.


Currently listening to:
Metallica - Nothing Else Matters

i'm supposed to be asleep

I told Thomas I'd go to bed before twelve, and I tried, but I can't sleep;
not with so much on my mind right now.
Suddenly all these thoughts appeared in my head, mostly about him.



I've never had this happen to me before;
I've never felt butterflies for so long with someone before.
Usually seven and a half months in they'd be a rarity,
but lately I've been getting them a lot.

I feel like one of those young girls obsessing over her first crush.
I actually like this though. I have never been so interested in someone like this.
I've never experienced most of this before. It's amazing.
Beyond amazing, actually.

I can't help but feel like I'm the luckiest girl alive.
He's making me go crazy and I love it. I love him.

Currently listening to:
Oasis - Wonderwall

wasteland

My mind is rather vacant this evening.
I feel like things are getting kind of boring;
I need some kind of change.
Just something to spice things up a bit.
I don't know what I want or need though.
I'm kind of confusing, even to myself.



I suddenly feel excited for the future.
Every aspect of it seems so interesting and I can't wait.
Yet at the same time, I want to just stop time for a bit.
I don't want to grow up just yet.
I guess I'm one huge walking contradiction, eh?

As much as I swear I hate myself sometimes,
I often wish people were more like me.
I hate when people ask you to do something then make absolutely no attempt to get in touch with you.
People are so freaking frustrating.

I'm determined to master Nothing Else Matters on the guitar.
It's weird how quickly I'm getting the jist of it;
probably because the song has a lot of meaning to me.



I've been happier than ever lately.
I feel like things have gotten increasingly better.
I'm super stoked to see Thomas tomorrow.
However, I am not even relatively excited for the AP work I have to do over the next few days.
It seems as if every time I relieve the stress of an assignment I just have another one due soon after.
I can already tell it's going to take a crapload of effort to pull off this year.

I should probably go to bed.

Currently listening to:
System of a Down - Chop Suey

so here we are

Happiness seems to be flowing through my veins this evening.
I'm feeling better than I expected to be because I just found out Ken completely misread my report card.
The regents grades he got right: 96 on spanish and 86 on earth science.
He told me I had a 75 for the quarter in math when I really have a 90!
I'm so thrilled that I actually pulled it off.



Tonight was great. Who ever knew bingo was so much fun?
I think the part I liked best about it was being with him,
and being told I'm beautiful every five minutes.
He's so great, really.

I felt something really nice today, though.
Staring into his eyes while Nothing Else Matters played in the background;
everything just felt so...right.
I have no doubts in my mind that there is nobody but for us than each other.

pink bullets

Isn't it weird how things are constantly changing right before your eyes yet you barely even notice until everything is completely different?
People walk in and out of your life in the blink of an eye,
yet nobody seems so temporary at the time they're there.
It's kind of scary actually,
especially when you find somebody that you want to basically tattoo into your life,
making them so permanent that there's no way they can just vanish before your eyes.

I'm feeling quite artistic and expressive at the moment.
I always forget that I'm halfway decent at drawing.
I bet if I did it more often I'd be even better.
It's kind of nice to express your thoughts through image.



I've been fascinated with pictures lately;
they really do speak a thousand words.
It's interesting to analyze a photograph and see the emotion, the setting, the overall feel of it.
Sometimes I think I look too deeply at things.




I can't even begin to explain how I've felt lately.
It's like every single day I'm falling harder and harder.
I clench onto every single word he says, longing to hear more.
His voice alone sends chills down my spine.
One look into his eyes and I swear it's like my heart is melting from overjoy.
I haven't been so fascinated with somebody before;
I haven't had such a burning desire to know someone inside and out this way.
I've never even come close to wanting to break down every wall I've ever put up and let someone completely in this way before.
He's got me going crazy. Love is crazy.
I've never felt this way about somebody before, not even the slightest bit.
I don't care how naive and dumb it may sound, I want to spend forever with this boy.

things i want to do before i die

- travel the world
- change someone's life
- learn to wakeboard
- learn to horseback ride
- buy a nice house
- have two beautiful children
- marry the love of my life
- find my half sister
- complete an entire coloring book
- become successful in the psychology field
- write and publish a novel
- visit every state
- learn how to skateboard
- become great at guitar
- visit disney world
- visit the mall of america
- eat pizza from italy
- learn to speak french
- learn to speak italian
- fill an entire parking lot with chalk drawings
- break a world record
- go on a cruise
- ride the world's biggest roller coaster
- work at a bookstore
- go on a roadtrip
- climb a mountain
- build an igloo
- meet a zebra

i really like what you've done to me

i can't really explain it;
i'm so into you.

today was fantastic.
i love this kid, i really do.
<3

last night

was so freaking amazing.
;D

good night :]

my emotions gleam with joy like the sunset's reflection on the ocean.
i feel so happy, and grape flavor ice things are bomb.
i kind of wish i was tired cause i have a long day tomorrow.
i'm rather stoked for breakfast;
i could go for a nice egg sandwich or french toast. anything yummy, really.

the global regents was kind of easy.
my stress is easing a bit; i'm not so worried anymore.
i have to try and stop sleeping on my stomach.
my belly button is becoming sore and i really feel like it's from laying on it so much.

tonight is pretty fabulous.
oh, and my hair smells like coconut.
i conditioned the hell out of it :]

goodnight.

i'm ashamed to say it but

the reason i yell at you for feeling this way
is because i don't want you the feel the same way i do lately.

who am i even trying to fool anymore?

deeper i'm falling

into the arms of sorrow.

i'm tired of the fighting.
i want us to just get along.
i want us to just be happy.
i want to stop acting like we hate each other.
i feel like some kind of monster for freaking out like that.
it wasn't just today; i'm not like that.
it was out of character for me and i feel horrible.
it was a mixture of stress and just built up frustration.
i don't think you're too fond of me.

things kind of

really suck.

its not fucking

fair.

runaway

everytime she opens her mouth i start to remember why i used to want to run away or die.
i'm tired of her empty promises.
i'm tired of her laziness.
i'm tired of her excuses.
i'm tired of her.
i hope my kids don't ever feel this way about me;
i hope they don't want to scream or punch a wall everytime i speak.
i know how to stay strong;
i've taught myself fairly well.
sometimes i just don't want to stay strong anymore.
sometimes i want to be able to relax a bit and just let things go smoothly.
summer always sucks cause more free time means more time to really think about stuff.
sometimes i just want a break from reality.

i think i need to

calm my nerves.
sometimes it just gets hard.
sometimes i want to get up.
sometimes i think i'm not strong enough.
why can't this just stop?
my thoughts are all over,
i need to get out of here before i do something dumb.

i wish that i could

make it stop.